Caring
By Wanderer (Wandering Smith)
August2000
Summary: PG J/C - Just a sweet interlude.
Rating: G
Disclaimers: As it is thought, so let it be as said… You make the
toys,I play with them.
ANs:
This is just something I came up with on a trip we took recently. I
can't seem to get a feel for the feelings involved; it was more the
imagery that stuck in my head.
When I first started, I was aiming for something that would have a
chance of appearing on screen (you know, no more obvious than the Angry
Warrior). Don't know why, I usually make a point, to myself and others,
that if I wanted reality I'd read the paper, or in this case, watch the
show, not buy a book (you know what the damn things cost?) or in this
case, spend the time on the 'net (again, $$$$).
However, as usual with the stories I get in my head, they all seem to
turn into sagas.
Oh, well. Here it is.
With the much appreciated and needed help of Eva (viel danke Eva!),
this story has been given a slight revamp, trying to work out some of
the wrinkles.. however, it is still a work in progress, so do not
hesitate to send quibbles right along with other comments.Honest
opinions wanted. Please. I can take it.
I hope… [g]
A moment out of time
(okay, I agree: whoever does her hair on the show now ought to be taken
out at midnight and shot!!)
Carrying the latest report for the Captain, Chakotay frowns when she
doesn't immediately respond to the chimes. After confirming her
location, he rings her Ready-Room again. Then tries hailing her badge.
When she still doesn't answer, he uses his override to enter. He walks
in, expecting her to give him Hell for intruding, only to find the
Captain fast asleep on her desk. Grinning wickedly at what she'd say to
being caught this way, he walks silently to her chair, dropping the
PADD he held onto her desk.
He tries very slightly to shake her awake, then suddenly notices just
how tired she looks and sighs "Kathryn…". She obviously hadn't had even
one decent night's sleep during the month she spent in
negotiations on the Zatorian homeworld. Probably hadn't eaten properly
either. He halted the instinct to smooth the hair off her forehead.
After weighing the risks involved against his instincts, he tenderly
picks her up and murmurs: "Computer. Site-to-site transport. Two to the
Captain's quarters. Authorization Chakotay Lambda Omega. Energize."
<><>
"Computer, lights at ¼."
He made is way through the darkened quarters, into the bedroom. Set her
on the bed, then pulled back the covers and shifted her onto the
sheets. As he started to move away, she mumbled what might have been
his name. He froze, then realized she was still asleep.
*Why do you do this to yourself*, he thought as he watched her
face;worried, even in sleep.
But he knew. Her crew. Her ship. What they needed, she gave, and
more,until she lost herself; and still she refused support.
Or, more to the point, she refused his support. She
thought there were strings attached and didn't want deal with them. But
there weren't any… right?
Standing over her for a moment, he closed his eyes. Tried to look
within himself for the truth.
Damn. Was she right all along?
And from somewhere the answer came to him. Yes. Ever since they'd been
alone on New Earth, a part of him had been waiting for, expecting,
something.
Acknowledgment? Reciprocation? It didn't matter; it was more than she
could give him here; and HE KNEW THAT dammit!
He looked at her now. Realized he'd better make his peace with
himself,because she needed him, AS A FRIEND, needed to lean on someone.
And he'd pledged her his life…
<><>
He hesitated, then pulled the covers over her. For once giving his
feelings free rein as he watched her; examining and cherishing her as
he never could while she was awake.
He memorized every line and shade of her face, knowing he would need it
to remember in the years ahead. She needed a friend, but nothing
more.And the only way he could give her that was if he truly accepted
reality. And the only way to do THAT was to lock away the part of
himself that needed more than she could give; lock it away with the
memory of seeing her vulnerable in sleep, of holding her for a few
precious minutes.
He slowly forced himself to turn away, knowing he wouldn't be getting
any sleep this night. On his way out, he called for the computer to
reset her alarm by 24 hours, seal her quarters and reroute all her
communications to himself.
(looks much better with the hair almost loose on his forehead, no?)
This pic doesn't have much to do with the story, but hey, I need to
clear my mind now and then; get inspiration, you know...
Easy comfort
She wasn't sure what woke her up. She'd been so exhausted last night..
Kathryn bolted upright, the input from her senses having just
registered.
She was in her bed. She didn't remember leaving her Ready Room. She was
still dressed. Her jacket and boots were gone.
"Computer, how long have I been in this room?" "Captain Janeway has
been in her quarters 13.4 hours"
"What?!!" As she threw her legs over the edge of the bed, a PADD on her
nigh table caught her eye. She didn't remember putting a PADD
there,either.
'I couldn't bear to wake you.
I rearranged the schedule so you can take the day off. I'll take the
watch.
Trust me'
(me and my online editor needed inspiration the other
morning/night…[g])
She swallowed the sudden lump in her throat. Without even closing her
eyes she could see his face as it was whenever they were alone. Dark
eyes crinkling at her in silent laughter, lips quirking, almost
smiling. It felt so near and real.. she could just reach up and stroke
the black feather he wore for his father…
Getting up in a hurry and crossing to the washroom, she called
briskly,"Computer. Time." "It is 1323 hours."
"Damn," she said, without any real heat. She remembered sitting at her
desk reading the ship's logs from the month she'd been gone. The last
time she'd checked it had been 1900. She'd obviously fallen asleep. In
her Ready Room. And Chakotay had caught her at it. Double damn.
She smiled wryly and muttered, 'I guess I should count myself lucky it
wasn't the Doctor.' She shuddered at the very thought of the lecture
she would have gotten.
She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, suddenly wondering just how
he'd gotten her from the Ready Room to her quarters. Her eyes widened,
he wouldn't.. no, of course he wouldn't. She walked to her console and
reviewed the transporter logs from 2400 hours. Yes, there it was. 'Of
course he wouldn't carry you through the halls Kathryn! He's a
Starfleet officer too… And he knows you would never stand for such a
display.' She ignored the small voice that wondered what she'd missed
by sleeping… And hoped no one happened to look at the logs.
Which still left him carrying her to bed and partially undressing
her…No, he was looking out for her, just like he always did. When she
let him. Or didn't know to stop him, in any case.
As she undressed and headed for the shower, his features still fresh in
her mind, she wondered what she could do to let him know she
appreciated what he did. Without sending the wrong message.
As she let the hot water sluice over her, she wished for the millionth
time that they could be home, that they didn't have the spectre of
HAVING to work together for years to come. Not just on the same ship;
together, one-on-one, day in and day out. No chance to go their own
ways if something happened. The whole crew counting on them to work
together, to make the right choices for them. The almost constant
threats and lack of allies…
"Enough, Kathryn! It's not meant to be. Forget about
what-ifs.Concentrate on getting everyone home. Preferably in one
piece."
By the time she left her quarters for a late lunch in the Mess, her
thoughts were back on wrapping up the last details from their dealings
with Zatar.. and on what the Maestro might be doing these days.
<><>
Chakotay allowed his shoulders to slump as he entered his darkened
quarters. He was thankful Kathryn took the time off; but 16 hours on
double duty make for a long shift.
Especially after spending the night trying to make peace with himself.
Even with his spirit guide to help, it left him feeling like he was
killing a part of himself.
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself, old man. Get on with life. You
haven't lost her. You're going to spend the rest of your life standing
by her. She might even let you into her worries now." His little pep
talk seemed to hang in the air of his quarters, not doing an iota to
help him to find his centre. He signed, decided to change and then
spend some more time with his guide.
<><>
When he returned to the living room, he stopped short. There was a mug
on his table; one he had never seen before, let along put there.
"Computer, has someone entered these quarters in the last 5
minutes?""Negative"
He stepped forward, slowing when he recognized the aroma coming from
the drink.
He looked groggily into the living area. "What are you still doing
up?" he asked, his voice husky with sleep. Kathryn looked up
sheepishly, "I'm sorry I woke you. I just can't seem to sleep, so I
thought I'd do some work on these insect traps rather than tossing and
turning." He signed and mumbled to himself as he walked to the counter.
He set some water to boil and pulled a tin from the back of the
cupboard. Watched her out the corner of his eye as he waited. A few
minutes later, he plopped the mug of tea on the table. "You need to
sleep Kathryn. I found some herbs similar to ones I remember my mother
using. This'll get you relaxed enough to sleep in no time. Come on, I
swear it's safer than Leola root." He added with a grin. Kathryn gave
him a suspicious look, then took a sip. "Hum, this isn't bad,
actually." He gave her a tired smile; knowing full well she didn't
believe it would help her relax. He just shook his head at her, told
her to get to bed and made his way back to his own alcove.
As he picked up the mug and inhaled, his eyes closed. He hadn't been
able to find the tin on the day they left. He didn't remember if he'd
asked her about it. Probably not, they'd both been working so hard at
returning to Captain and First Officer.
After taking a reverent sip, he walked to the couch. Feeling something
odd brush his knuckles, he looked more closely at the mug itself. It
was decidedly irregular, like something a youth would make in art
class. Then he felt the designs inscribed on the surface. Calling for
½ lights, he slowly turned the cup to follow the shapes. Once
he'd seen all of it, he just sat there, a soft smile on his face.
He absentmindedly turned the lights back off and continued to sit here,
holding his new treasure loosely in his lap. There was only one person
who'd give him such a mug, let along the tea. But what really touched
him, was to realize that he wasn't the only one who spend too much time
looking. For her to be able to reproduce his tattoo in that detail,
right down to the wrinkles from his forehead…
It didn't change anything, he knew that. She wanted him to know she
knew. Knew, and cared for him too. Sitting there in the dark, he found
that, in a strange, convoluted sort of way, this actually made it
easier for him to put his feelings aside.
If she cared, than there was a reason to make the effort; if she could
trust him enough, she might come to let him help her shoulder the
load.Let him in closer..
<><>
He woke the next morning still sitting on the couch, the cup
miraculously unspilled. He discovered the crick in his neck at the same
time he realized he must be late for bridge duty.
"Computer. Time," as he slowly started to raise his head, "It is 1204
hours." "What!!" Chakotay's eyes went wide. "Computer, why didn't my
alarm sound?" "Commander Chakotay's alarm was reset at 2346." "On whose
authorization," Chakotay asked, confused now. "Captain Janeway's"
After absorbing this new piece of information, Chakotay very slowly
inched himself upright, setting his tea on the coffee table. Wondering
when he'd gotten so old, he reminded himself to never again fall asleep
sitting up. Stifling another groan, he was about to tap his combadge
when he noticed a piece paper on his table. 'Paper!?' As he picked it
up, he realized the mug had been sitting on it.
'With my life, my ship and our crew.'
He took a slow, deep breath, then another, "Chakotay to Janeway". He
was glad to hear only a trace of huskiness in his voice.
Kathryn raised her head from the console between their chairs, "Janeway
here.", "Enjoying your day off Commander?", she said with a smile.
"Captain. Ah.. yes Captain, very much." "I'll expect you on the bridge
tomorrow at 0800." "Aye, aye Captain. And thank you." This time she
clearly heard the change in his tone, she knew he wasn't talking about
letting him sleep. "Anytime," she replied softly, trying to ignore the
interested looks from her bridge crew.
"Something amusing Mr. Paris?", she asked with a low-level glare.
"Ah.. no Captain, nothing at all," Tom turned around before she could
press the issue.
<><>
A month later, Kathryn was damned glad she'd taken a risk and given him
the last of her cache of sleepytime. He'd shown up refreshed and almost
smiling the next day. And yet, then, and in all the time since, she'd
come to notice a subtle difference in him. Not distance, he stood as
close behind her and he still nagged her to eat and sleep. But she
didn't feel his eyes on her like before, his smiles didn't try to
entice her.
She was relieved. Almost. As she listened to him talk about Neelix's
latest morale booster, she reminded herself sternly to forget the
imagined feel of his skin, the strength of his heartbeat...
END
AN: I really
had a hard time writing the Captain here, not sure why.
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