My always
Author: wanderingsmith
Jan 2009
Summary: my twist off Threads 8x18
Rating: PG13
Disclaimer: I ain't got no money, and nobody'd be daft enough to pay me
for this. As it is thought, so let it be said; you make the toys, I
play with 'em.
Goto Chapter 2
Chapter one
"For being there for me."
Jack felt a knife twist in his gut at her words; since when did she
need to
*thank* him for being a friend? What did that say about just how
much of a mess he'd made of their relationship? If only it *was*
still just the damned regs; but somewhere along the way, they'd lost
each other. With a pull of grief, he wondered if there was any
chance at all of rebuilding any part of the bond they'd once had.
But at the least he had to *try* to let her know that she could always
count on his help. "Always."
Feeling her cuddling into his touch for reassurance after that
too-surprised look filled him with even deeper regret; so many
things were wrong with this picture. Looking back into the
observation room at the other so very wrong part of this, he just
caught a flash of Jacob's foggy eyes going by him.
This felt too much like losing his own father, no matter how little he
had the right to the feeling. Daniel still missing and all the
dead after Dakara and the replicators had just been softening punches
for this blow. He hardly dared to guess how badly this was
messing up *Carter*; no matter what she said.
As one of the Tok'ra visiting her father nodded up at her and she
stiffened, Jack realized that she really shouldn't be going through
this alone; her fiancé should be with her right now, or her
brother. Such a damned mess. Then he registered that the
man below was nodding to him to follow Sam and he frowned, hurrying to
do as her dad asked.
Sam felt the general come to stand just behind her shoulder and was
grateful for his presence. For the anchor he was and the strength
he gave without even touching her. She hadn't lied about being
grateful to have finally known her father, but as she felt the approach
of death, again, all that she was losing choked any words of goodbye
from her and she felt the tears start, staring into her father's fading
eyes as he struggled to whisper.
"I. love. you." his eyes shifted over her shoulder and he tried to
smile, "Both."
Touching his cheek tenderly one last time, she barely caught the soft,
mourning reply from besides her, "Dad-"
When she lifted her head from her goodbye kiss, she looked besides her
at Jack, catching him swallowing thickly, his eyes closed with the same
grief that bowed his head and twisted his lips. Sam felt that
same sudden loss coiling up through her and, for once, she took the
initiative, stepping up to him and ignoring the doctors, SFs and
Tok'ra. The pain in his eyes was as real as hers and she didn't
see any sign telling her to stop. She dropped her
head between Jack's neck and shoulder and wrapped her arms around him,
feeling him return the grip.
Neither of them cried; they just held each other tightly, safely,
neither inclined to think. Eventually, Walter's voice on
the intercom called for the commanding general and they separated
slowly, loath to give up the easy, undemanding comfort. When he
was paged again, they both half-smiled and he patted her shoulder one
last time before heading back to his duty.
Chapter two
Sam stared sightlessly at her dark television, curled up on the couch
in her silent house. She had never had a close, daily relationship with
her dad, but suddenly knowing that she would *never* see him again was
numbing; further isolating her in the universe. Cass so far away -by
Earth standards-, Daniel dead, Teal'c about to leave for his new life
-impossibly further away than Cass-.
Jack...
She'd tried to avoid that thought. She'd been managing to keep a
wall between them for so long now... But their shared grief today had
fractured the fortifications and before she could start patching them,
she'd
gotten a shocking visit.
Hiding in her lab to get a little perspective before she actually went
home and started dealing with all the real world aspects of her
father's death, she'd looked up to see the last woman she'd ever
expected a visit from. Then she'd had a thought that maybe she should
have.
Maybe agent Johnson wanted to warn her off, or.. Sitting on her
couch hours later, Sam closed her eyes, pushing away the hurt she'd
given herself with those thoughts before the very pretty woman opened
her mouth
with an uncertain attempt at a smile.
"I can't believe I'm doing this.. but I actually like the guy,
and from all I've heard, I'd be dead a hell of a lot of times over if
not for sacrifices you've made." She'd shaken her long hair back,
looking,
to Sam's eyes, uncomfortable, "So. Here's the deal," her lips twisted
ruefully, "I was simple; pleasant company. At a *wild* guess, having
something
to do with your upcoming marriage. It wouldn't have lasted, I think I
figured *that* out by the second date when he wasn't connecting, was
just being a nice companion. It took seeing him look at you earlier
and, frankly, barely tear himself mentally *away* from you, to not only
really see the difference, but why it existed. So," she backed away,
smiling determinedly, ignoring both the sheen in her eyes and Sam's
shock, "Yeah. I pretty much told him the same thing a little
while ago, but I'd bet my badge he won't do anything and," she was
almost out the door when she refocused on Sam, obviously trying to send
a message, "I have a feeling you'd had second thoughts before I landed
between you and.. well, I figure if I at least try to fix this, maybe
the fates will have pity on me if it's ever my turn to feel that kind
of love."
Sam barely remembered the woman closing the door behind herself as she
left. At what point had she convinced herself that Jack no longer
cared? When had she started so carefully *not* looking at him that she
hadn't even seen the feelings that woman talked about? Standing
in her quiet
lab, she heard her father's dying voice again, telling her to be happy
in
spite of rules. Heard him say he cared about Jack, and her eyes
closed in redoubled grief. The two most important men in her life
and she'd been blind to what they both thought and felt.
And now she would never see dad again to let him know she finally
understood what he'd tried to tell her. That she appreciated his
caring for her happiness over the Air Force rules he'd always
cherished.
Even though he was wrong. Because he was, wasn't he? She
loved Pete. Annoying nagging and clinginess and all.
Right?
That she'd blinded herself to her friend was something she could work
on -she ignored the other annoying trait of jealousy that her
fiancé all too often displayed, especially when Jack's name came
up-. That her father had hated her fiancé -no matter what
he claimed, Sam could read *that* much- was something she would live
with; just like half the population of the world did.
She was about to be married; all this isolation and loneliness she felt
would get better then. Her survivor's guilt over her father's
loss,
her anguish at suddenly being an orphan, it would pass all the faster
with her husband besides her. She refused to wonder why that
thought was so hard to-
She looked up as a knock sounded at the door, her heart jumping with
the sudden memory of a tight hug that had actually managed to make her
feel better.
When the door opened before she could get up and Pete hurried in, she
tried not to let her disappointment show. Instead, she willingly
clung
to his neck as he wrapped his arms around her, babbling about just
hearing about her father and she should have called and was she okay-
Sam didn't say a word, just hung on and tried to find the comfort she
needed. She wanted to blame the barely hidden accusation in his
chiding tone for the fact that she only felt hollow and empty, wished
it was guilt that made her skin crawl. Grief that made the tears
fall silently.
But she couldn't. She was more alone with Pete than she'd been on
the Prometheus more than a year ago. She was aware that her
friends avoided him at almost any
cost, that Cass barely tolerated him and had already hinted that she
wouldn't stay in a house with him. And she could never
even hint at Jack's existence unless she wanted to have a fight.
And her father, whom she thought had finally begun to be proud of her-
She could have handled all of that if Pete had made her feel..
right. Safe, comforted, happy; something. But he
didn't. Sam suddenly couldn't pretend anymore, not with the
memory of feeling more supported and cared for just *watching* Jack
mourn besides her. With the memory of undemanding comfort and
safety in hugging him.
She cried harder, acknowledging that for a moment then, she'd felt as
though she could heal again, from *everything*.
What had she done with her life??
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