Hold on tight

Author: wanderingsmith Jan 2008 Summary: Finishedb!! When the lost return, sappiness ensues. AU (see notes), hints of S/J Warning: !! AU !! I can't call them spoilers (well, OK, one for Tao) because I'm just going to create my own setup scenario.. it may bear resemblance to some ep summaries.. but hey, all the movie writers steal from past movies.. I refuse to feel bad for using replicators and Carter!! <g> Rating: PG13

Disclaimer: I ain't got no money, and nobody'd be daft enough to pay me for this.

AN: many many thanks to finnstardust for Betaing so well and helping me on my road through SGA-land.  Please don't blame her for Carson's speech, she recommended I tune down Carson's accent... I just really like talking Scottish.. and reading as I expect to hear it... but if it drives all readers nuts... just let me know kindly and I will stop. Really I will... well, mostly (g)... I'll tryyyy
AU. I am not a fan of the show in general. I don't know most of the plots and I've forgotten half the established canon from SG1.  This started as just a picture in my mind.. but then the picture started talking and moving and my long lost muse went for a run (make that a marathon).
man this has gotten long. I'm not planning to get into the background plot, so there will be unexplained statements here and there.  If they are too annoying... let me know, I'll see what I can do

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here I declaim my version of history
- OK, so sometime shortly after Tao (ep 0314). *something* happens (I'm not writing that part of the story!) that causes Weir to end up prisoner of the replicators.
- The IOA refuses a military man in charge of Atlantis but OKs Carter on account of her being a scientist and the US mil OKs her on account of her being Carter of SG1 and a colonel. So Carter is in charge, Sheppard is still second in command.
- I'm not up on SGA knowledge, so I'm extrapolating from fics I've read and whatever tech I like and fits the plot - if you see something 'wrong', let me know, I might find a workaround.. or just note it as a piece 'my world'.
------------------------------------------------------


Goto Chapter 2
Goto Chapter 3
Goto Chapter 4: Epilogue

Chapter one


Sam watched Colonel Sheppard walk away from her office, trying to reconcile the smirking rebel that had been described to her with the grim old man she'd just spoken to.  It didn't take a genius to do the math, much as it saddened her to think of lost opportunities.

"How did that go?"

Sam tensed, bracing herself for another encounter with her old nemesis.  "About as well as I could expect McKay."  She didn't bother turning from looking over the gateroom.

"I.. I just wanted to say.. well.  I wanted to explain about.."  McKay came to stand next to her, gesticulating hesitantly as he tried to explain something so non-scientific.  "What I'm trying to say is, he doesn't trust people.  Anyone.  I'm not sure how that became the case but.. she was the only exception."  Sam finally turned to face him and saw him shake his head, eyes lost in the past, "Somehow she got in.  Right from the start I believe.  And I don't think he even realized that he'd given her his complete personal loyalty."  McKay met her gaze, quietly serious for once.  "I doubt he's ever going to give it to anyone else, especially after the way this ended."

"McKay!  Its not over yet."  She knew first-hand what a disservice to your troops counting them dead ahead of proof was.  And the fickleness of the universe wasn't to be dismissed either.

He nodded.  After they'd stood quietly a few minutes he almost smiled, "You've probably read about that little incident with the ascension machine.."

And here it starts, she thought.  Egotistical McKay; incoming.  "Yesss, McKay."

His gaze shot back to hers, dismayed.  "No, no, I wasn't... It's just... the first time they were both in the room with me.  After I started reading people's minds, I'm glad I already knew how they felt about each other, because otherwise, I'm afraid I might not have been able to keep from teasing them.  They were both so..."  There was a real smile playing on his face.

Sam felt a quick smirk lift her own lips.  "Please leave it at that, McKay.  I sympathize with your having it in your head, but I don't need to share it."

"No.  But..."  The usually animated scientist stopped, back to looking sad and beaten.  "I'm glad I can't read his mind now."

Sam took the time to focus on the man, thinking she might actually have to start liking him.  She wondered if Sheppard was the first *real* person to befriend McKay.  "Yeah."

"Do you think... do you think there's any chance she's still.... sane?  Out there, somewhere?"

"I don't know McKay.  I think I have to hope so."

####
2 months later

When Major Lorne radioed that his team had found Weir, Sam managed to beat back the shock and call for medics in the gateroom just before the man stepped through the horizon, carrying a shockingly familiar form.  She could only pray Atlantis wasn't facing a replicator of their old leader.  Or worse.

She hurried to follow the medical team and debrief her people.

####

"She's as well as a could 'a' hoped colonel.  Underfed, dehydrated, exhausted, her muscles showin' signs o' no eno' movement fer too long.  None o' it permanent and otherwise unhurt.  Right na' ma worst worry is emotional trauma.  She's too quiet colonel."  Sam nodded, understanding what the doctor was refraining from saying; it was a long time to be tortured by mind-reading machines.  Lorne came up to her and she nodded her thanks to Beckett before turning away.

Carson walked to his new patient, torn between joy at seeing her again in such good shape and worry at the wounds he couldn't even see, let along heal.

"Ha' 'r ye feelin' Elizabeth?"

Elizabeth turned her head from the wall to look at the doctor.  "Tired, weak, sore."  It didn't matter what she admitted, they could easily take it from her mind and she didn't feel like a fight right now.  If they'd let her avoid it.

####

"So."

Elizabeth once again turned from the wall to face the room, wondering why she wasn't imagining McKay in charge of Atlantis.

Sam wasn't sure where to start.  They knew where she'd been.  It didn't matter what she'd told the replicators.  And Lorne had already told Sam where she'd been found.

Remembering the report she'd been writing before Lorne came in, she decided to try a trick from Jack O'Neill's bag: talk to the patient about anything but work.

She grabbed a stool and pasted as true a smile as she could manage on her lips.  "I just finished writing up my request for permission to build a nursery on Atlantis."  No reaction.  "It's a good thing Teyla's been working out so well as a staff officer; Ronon's been around the expedition too long, he's being as protective as one of our men."  This time her grin was a lot more real, thinking of the calm Teyla dealing with her suddenly overprotective mate.

Dr. Weir blinked briefly.  "And they want to stay on Atlantis?"  Her voice was faint and dull, but Sam took encouragement from her willingness to react at all.  "I suppose next you'll tell me Cadman actually got Rodney to go on a date."

Sam watched Elizabeth Weir's flat eyes wander the infirmary indifferently as Sam continued to tell her more about the personnel changes in Atlantis, answering the odd question the doctor asked, waiting for a question about the one person the woman had, according to all she'd heard, been closest to.  The scientist in her started going over the options; she had to have some idea of what was up before she could decide what to do next.  Finally a likely answer presented itself.

"Oh.  That's why you're not asking about the colonel."  Their eyes suddenly locked.  "You believe we're the replicators and you don't want them to know about him."  Sam's sympathy and understanding were immediate and unconditional, she remembered all too well what the replicators could do with ammunition like that.

She got up, decision made.  "I'll go and recall him.  He's out playing escort for some scientist.  I thought it would be safe even for him and I didn't want to let him know about this until you were awake."

####

Sheppard listened to the men wrangling in the old temple, his eyes and head moving instinctively to keep watch, as they'd been trained.  There was a faint voice in his mind making snarky comments about the scientists, even admiring the beauty of the clearing, but he didn't pay it much attention.  It'd gotten puny over the weeks and he couldn't let himself care about it.

He did his job.  Day in and day out.  That's all he had to do.  The deal he'd made with himself and the universe.  Live another day.

His radio crackled to life.  "Colonel Sheppard?"

His brow wrinkled briefly, not really caring why Colonel Carter was calling ahead of time.  "Sheppard here."

"Everything on schedule?"  Now he did frown; it wasn't like Carter to micromanage.

"Yes colonel, no surprises."

"Glad to hear it.  I'd like you to come in."

He rolled his eyes, anticipating the whining he'd have to listen to.  "The kids aren't going to like that, colonel."

"I didn't mean the team, Colonel Sheppard.  I'm sending someone in to replace you.  He should be there shortly.  Carter out."

Blinking in surprise and faintly wondering if he should be concerned at being summarily and without explanation recalled, he shrugged it off and went about alerting his people about the change in plan.  He'd watch for trouble, he always did.  Just another day.

####

Sam stood in her office, watching her people scurrying below, seeing the noticeable increase in smiles and cheerfulness in general, reminded again of how badly losing a commander affects everyone.  She realized she'd somehow allowed herself to assume that Atlantis just happened to hold a lot of reserved, grim people, not making the essential connection that she'd only met them after they'd lost a respected leader and friend.  She chided herself for the foolish lapse in judgement: not a good first step as commander.

She heard the gate start to dial and focused on where the event horizon would be, thinking of another of Atlantis' soul-wounded.  Her second in command was one that she had never forgotten was grieving.  In a lot of ways he reminded her of *her* colonel when she'd first met him; still grieving for his son, eaten by guilt.  Blank-eyed and cold.  At least Sheppard didn't seem to have suicidal tendencies, most likely because he still saw rescuing the doctor as a possibility and his duty.  Or finding out for certain that she was dead...

She shook her head; at least she didn't have to worry about what would happen at that point anymore.  All she had to do was convince Weir that this was the real world.  Just another day in the Stargate program.  She started walking down when she heard him get confirmation to come through, readying her explanations.

John stepped out of the wormhole, automatically focusing on Elizabeth's lookout point, not yet having managed to break the habit of seeing her.  Before the pain could resurface, he felt Atlantis reach out to him.  His eyes widened in surprise as he felt the city mentally dancing around like a 5-year-old, exuberant with news.  Before he could even start to figure out what was causing the sudden communications, the city tagged on one more piece to its message.  Elizabeth's face; paler, thinner, more tired, but none of that mattered as much as the immediate sense of her location the city attached to the image.

Sam yelled when she saw him take off at a dead run down the hall, the doors flashing open before he was anywhere near.  "What the hell??"

"I think the city told him."

She spun on McKay, suddenly standing next to her.  "The city? I didn't think it could actually *talk* to him."

"Well, maybe *talk* is the wrong word.  He's described it as getting 'feelings'.  But I know that look on his face, it's the one he gets when Atlantis decides he needs to know something that he hasn't asked for."

"Beckett!"  Grumbling under her breath, she started calmly down the hall as she paged the infirmary, not really worried about trouble so much as what would happen when Dr. Weir called the colonel a replicator.

"Aye colonel?"

"Sheppard took off at a dead run before we could brief him, McKay thinks the city somehow clued him in, so we're assuming he's on his way to you."

"Very well, a'll be on da lookout."

Shaking his head in annoyance, Carson thought about motioning the infirmary guards to the door.  He took a moment to read buried anticipation and longing in his patient's eyes, the lessening of fear in her posture.  Thought over Colonel Sheppard's behaviour the last couple months and decided there wasn't any real danger.  Maybe some overturned equipment... but then if the man was a little out of it and decided the guards were attacking him, Carson rolled his eyes and turned back to be at the door himself.

A few minutes later, the colonel appeared in the doorway and stopped, staring at Elizabeth across the room, conflicting emotions racing over his features.  Carson reached over as calmly as the years on Atlantis had taught him, and took the gun out of Sheppard's hand without encountering resistance.  "As far as we kin tell," speaking softly and still moving calmly, he managed to get the vest off the man, "She's the real Elizabeth Weir, and she seems as well as can be expected.  In need of TLC more than anythin' else."

The colonel blinked at Carson a couple times, then he was moving, reaching her bedside in a few strides and freezing again.

He wanted to reach out and pull her into a hug and never let go... but his mind was confused.  Was he allowed to do that in reality... it'd been so long with only dreams where he could hold her, or where he had nothing to hold.  The memory of their relationship and its limits took some effort to be resurrected.  And still he couldn't decide which instinct to go with.  Was this real?  The change was too sudden.  Too good to be real.

Elizabeth had seen him arrive, and though a part of her was still afraid this was a replicator trick... he looked so lost that her hand automatically reached for him, the buried instinct to take care of him finally allowed free reign.  When he broke his stillness enough to grasp her fingers, she couldn't help herself and pulled, the touch so familiar that she needed even a dream of him closer, momentarily deciding that if it resulted in more agony for her, it would still be worth it for the burst of emotional strength John always gave her.

The touch of her hand was enough to break the loop John's thoughts had gotten stuck in.  He remembered now.  Follow Elizabeth; that was the way.  He interpreted the weak tug on his hand and reached down to hug her.  When he felt her arms lock around him and her breathing hitch on a sob, the tidal joy finally rising through him brought some of his old reflexes along.  He pulled her up into his arms, feeling her far too light weight, sat himself on the bed, unaware that he was laughing softly, and cradled her in his arms.  A hand curved around her forehead as he tucked her into his shoulder, her breath on his neck healing unknown wounds in his heart, the other arm around her waist, holding her chilled, weak body as close as he dared as she cried quietly.

Part of him, the higher functions of his brain, were still frozen in shock, couldn't accept the reality of Elizabeth.  Alive and safe, in his arms.  The rest of him was waking with a roar and wanted nothing more than to tighten his muscles and pull her as close as humanly possible, find a hidden corner of Atlantis and clutch her like a drowning man, not let anyone near, keep her to himself, keep himself to her; no pain, no fear, just drown in peace for once in his life.

Not another day.  *The* day.  Still hiccoughing laughs, he compromised by pulling his legs up, resting his head on hers, bending himself to be as wrapped around her as he could be.  If he couldn't see the world, it couldn't see him; a child's escape, but it still *felt* safe.  And she was within his cocoon; doubly safe.

Neither noticed when Carson drew the privacy curtain around them, hiding them from view of the smiling guards.

####

Elizabeth slowly pulled herself together, wondering why she believed this reality all of a sudden.  Taking a final deep, though still shaky breath, she lifted her head, swallowing hard not to cry again when she focused on John, lifting his own head from where she realized he'd been leaning on hers.  It felt like a lifetime since she'd seen him, seen the crooked grin that was just starting on his lips and the laughing warmth in his eyes that even the glisten of water there couldn't hide.

Her eyes widened.  "I feel warm!"  Her hands had ended up clenched in his shirt and she opened them, palms pressing into his warmth, smiling suddenly.  "The replicator ship was always cool, the chill just settled into me and I could never warm up.."  Now she could feel it, feel heat soaking into her skin from every point of contact.  Without thinking, she turned her body, feeling him help.  Wrapping herself around him without a thought to propriety, bending her head to shelter back into his shoulder.  She shuddered at the warmth all along her front, his hands running up and down her back to keep that warm too.

She laughed, hands grabbing onto his back and shoulder and holding on, suddenly convinced that this was real, that this safety wasn't just in her mind.  John was holding her, murmuring in her ear that she was safe, he wasn't letting her go, his body curving to wrap around her even more.  She was *home*.

He couldn't remember being all that tactile, but he couldn't seem to stop himself now.  His hands kept moving, smoothing over every expanse that he could remember being allowed.  His cheek and chin brushing the top of her head.  It might not have been like him before, but he needed it now; every cell in his body wanted to be reassured that she was okay.  That he hadn't forever lost the only person who saw something worth fighting for in him.

He would have felt guilty and selfish and likely stopped if he hadn't felt her doing the same.  Felt her hands touching him, light and careful; felt her nuzzling him, like a kitten searching for the warmest spot.  Been reminded of a hundred and one times when she had touched him in the past; to soothe, to restrain, in relief.  Knowing he was free to indulge was almost as sweet as knowing she was back.  He only hoped, now that he was starting to think straight, that he could force himself to let her go again.  The uncertainty that came with the thought, with not having her literally within his hold, made him grip her tighter, deliberately shutting his mind off.

He had no idea how long they'd been absorbed in reassuring themselves and each other, minutes or hours, when she took a deep breath, then snorted a laugh and lifted her head with a jerk.  He quirked his eyebrow, smirking at her, clearly asking for an explanation, more than willing to play as long as he could keep holding her.

"Sorry," she hesitated, knowing that if she said what she was about to say, their relationship would change.  She remembered enough to know there was not a chance that John Sheppard would let it pass, irregardless of the situation.  As she still hesitated, watching him watching her, her hand reached up, a stray thought overruling her native caution.  Or tried.  And then she really had to laugh at herself.

As much as he loved seeing her happy considering all she'd been through, her sudden laughter, unexplained, worried him.  Before he could voice a question she stopped.

Still smiling, her weak arm got her fingers as far as his lips, breath catching at the intimacy.  She shook her head, making a decision.  "I'm okay."  Her voice was quiet, still rough from disuse.  "I just realized that I missed your hair, of all things."  She ignored the fire slowly lighting his eyes, the newness of this path leaving her nervous.  "I worked so hard to keep thoughts of you away from my mind, away from them, that *I* started to lose the memories."  She hurried over the grim recent past, glad for the reassurance of his tightening hold on her.  "I realized that I wanted to reach up and... touch." she lost her nerve and sped up.  "But then I was too weak... and that was just too much irony after all this time and I couldn't help but laugh.  And I snorted before because I'd just caught myself breathing in.."  She signed as that same smell, in the final accounting, still made her feel too good to go back to her old physically aloof relationship with him.  "You."

Sheppard fought the elation that made him want to do something over the top and inappropriate to the situation, he clenched his jaw to keep quiet, kissed the fingers still on his lips.  Knowing he had to have a goofy smile on his face, he nodded his head until her hand bounced up in his hair, closing his eyes and resisting the urge to start purring as she splayed her fingers, massaging his skull on the way.  If he'd known she could do this to him just touching his head!!  He choked between a laugh and a growl when she tugged gently, letting his usual spiky mess comb through her fingers.  This time the exuberant 5-year-old in his mind was himself, doing a singsong: 'Elizabeth wants me.  Elizabeth wants me.'

Elizabeth tried to be good and resist taking more advantage, but the blissed-out look on his face was impossible to pass up.  She'd missed how young he made her feel, actually carefree sometimes.  For just a few moments more, she wanted a bit of fun, and peace; escaping the bad memories and uncertain future.

She'd never liked being held in someone's arms, always feeling too tall, gangly, and it required just too much trust.  But she knew she was secure here and felt only stronger for his hold on her.  Certainly strong enough to play with him, even strong enough to let him protect her for a while.

After all, faith in John Sheppard was something she'd learned the hard way; through years of conflict, comradeship and affection.  She *knew* he'd lay down his life before dropping her, trusted his judgement in himself and his interpretation of his environment to guide his reactions.  She was completely secure as long as she let him hold her.  Yet she also knew he would let her take her safety out of his hands if she demanded it.  Having this man stand with her allowed her to feel delicate and safe, yet strong enough to defend Atlantis against any takers.  She shuddered to think what she would have done alone.  Never safe, never a moment away from responsibility, no one to trust with her city, no one to discuss her judgement; she had a vision of a woman, hard and brittle, old far before her time, with no joy left to take pleasure in what she'd accomplished.

No; she was very glad she'd followed her instincts and fought to have the maverick as her second.  Huffing a quiet laugh at what some people would say if they could see his expression now, she swallowed a giggle and concentrated on memorizing what his weak spots were.  A master negotiator always kept note of ways to get through people's guards, she thought with a mental grin.

She ignored the fact that she was in a public place, had no job, no residence and no real idea of what *he* wanted out of this.  She loved him, that she knew, had faced a long time ago, and she was making him feel almost as good as he made her feel with one of his warm smiles.  That was a good way to pass the time until she was ready to carry on with whatever the future was to be.

####

"You're very quiet."

He kept his eyes closed but tilted his head, realizing he'd hardly said a word the whole time they were together.  He spoke as she found a sensitive spot, slurring as he lost the track of his thought for a second.  "Liz'beth," he opened his eyes, blinking a little sleepily at her, "I've gotten out of the habit I guess."  He quirked a small smile, "It'll come back."

The unvoiced fact that it was losing her that had silenced him was there in the ghosts flitting through his eyes.  She let her hand slide down to cup his cheek, feeling his stubble chafe the sensitive skin as he leaned into her palm.  She kept her voice soft, wishing she was strong enough to raise herself and kiss his pain away.  "I'm sure it will."

"So you admit you like my chatter, eh?"  There was that proud puppy grin.  If someone had told her how much she would come to need it to stay sane, she'd have been insulted.  Now she just laughed and slid her hand back onto his head, cutting off the teasing in the most satisfying manner she could *never* have imagined.  Oh yes, blissful John was a sight to gladden the worst beaten of hearts.

####

Even through the half groggy haze Elizabeth had got him in, John heard the curtain get pulled back and the military step of his commander approaching, but he refused to budge.

He was where he intended to stay, there was no consequence that would make him change his hold on Elizabeth.  So long as they didn't try to take her away from him, they could batter him with anything.  He tightened himself around her and reminded himself not to let her get concerned.

"Colonel."

One of his eyes could see Carter and glared, but he didn't respond otherwise.  "John."  The faint remonstrance in Elizabeth's voice didn't budge him either.  She wasn't serious, just reminding him to mind his manners.  He remembered well what her actual annoyed voice sounded like.

Elizabeth felt him tense, heard Colonel Carter approaching and prepared herself.  It wasn't in her nature to hide from confrontations.  They had to be faced to be won.  Normally John was just as quick, but in this case she could almost hear him mentally growling, wanting to ignore the invader.  She shook her head when he refused to answer, chiding him gently and realizing she'd have to run this negotiation without verbal help from him.

Watching the interaction with a bitten back grin, Sam changed her mind about the thread of the conversation.  "I just wanted to let you know I've put you on extended personal leave and Major Lorne temporarily in charge.  You can let me know when you're ready to return to active duty Colonel Sheppard.  I'm afraid I do have to let Earth know you're back Dr. Weir, but I'm sure I heard Dr. Beckett say you should stay here until he's convinced you're fit."

By the time she was done, both of Colonel Sheppard's eyes were watching her, still wary, but he looked less like a junkyard dog on the prowl at least.  And Dr. Weir looked relieved at the reprieve; relaxing once again into the colonel's protection, looking like tiredness was winning over her again.

Sam nodded and turned to go, at the last moment remembering another detail of her own time on a replicator ship.  She caught a blanket off the shelves and went to drape it over the drowsing doctor, careful to move slowly and broadcast her intentions to the man guarding her.  She made sure she was outside the infirmary before starting to giggle at the picture she'd caught of Sheppard zoned out with bliss before the sound of her approach had distracted him.  Now she could believe the stories of his character.

The smile was firm on her face as she decided Dr. Weir was definitely showing signs of fighting form. If the woman could already rein the colonel, Sam had no doubt that between them the couple would get themselves back on their feet in no time.

####

"Dial up Earth please, sergeant."

Once the horizon was up, Sam sent in the Atlantis ID and opened a video channel, smiling cheerfully at General Landry, "Afternoon, general."

Her old commander, nodded in his usual abrupt manner, "Colonel.  Problem?"

"No sir.  Or, at least I have every hope not.  I'm afraid I need to get in touch with General O'Neill. I was hoping you could put in a call for me."

"Of course.  Sergeant..."  Before he'd even finished speaking, Sam held back a laugh as she heard Walter telling him the line was ready.  It was good some things didn't change.

"Carter?"  O'Neill looked worried at the unscheduled contact.  "Bit of an extreme long distance call don't ya think?"

She grinned, drinking in the sight of him even as she answered him, "Yes sir.  I thought you'd like to know we've found Dr. Weir.  Alive and fairly well."

"How well?"  The tense response reflected years of dealing with all the weirdness that the Stargate attracted.

Sam shrugged, "It took her a while to believe this was more than another replicator nightmare, but she seems on track now."

The general's shoulders relaxed a notch and a brief smile quirked his lips.  "And in what condition is the dragon that's guarding her?"

Thinking of the snarling eyes that had glared at her, she smirked, knowing Jack would understand, "Defencive, general, but she forces him to be approachable."

His grin was real this time, taking several hard years off his face.  "I don't doubt it.  And I suppose this call means you'd like me to be the one to pass on this mixed blessing?" 

The pleasure in his eyes made the implied grumble moot and Sam smirked at him wickedly, "The cost of wearing the pretty stars, sir."

He snorted inelegantly, "I think we'd all be better off if you wore them."

"I may yet sir."

"Smartass."  Their shared smile challenged the loneliness they both faced, "I assume you took him off active duty?"

"Yeah.  I wasn't going to move him from her side without her help."  She rolled her eyes, "Didn't seem like a good precedent to set."

He shrugged, "I know if the woman *I* was nuts over reappeared after missing for two months, I certainly wouldn't let anyone from any galaxy anywhere near.  No matter what their rank."  The intensity in his eyes belied the smile on his lips and she knew she was blushing.  "When are you coming home for a visit by the way?"

Sam laughed softly at the apropos comment, "You're the one with the influence.  You tell me."

####

When he felt the body in his arms go limp, John lifted his head and realized she'd fallen asleep.  He looked up and kept his voice low, "Carson?"

The doctor came through the curtain and saw his patient sleeping.

"Catch the blanket willya?"

"Aye laddy."

Once Carson had the blanket off Elizabeth, John slowly shifted his grip, then turned and lay down on the bed on his side, holding her in the same position.  He looked up at Carson, half challenging any disapproval, only to see the man smiling softly as he covered them both with the blanket.

"Ye sure ye dinna want ta get rid o' some o' that equipment colonel?"

"I'm fine Carson,"  He felt Elizabeth automatically burrow into him and bent his head to finish nestling them together, "I'm not going anywhere."

"Aye laddy, a can see that.  Good night."  Carson walked away, glad the man was finally getting some rest, glad the demand for sleeping aids had already gone down from everyone in the city.

####

As consciousness returned, she could hear an odd snuffling sound right in her ear and a slow pounding reverberating around her.  She opened her eyes, waking, confused as to her location.  It took more moments to identify what she was looking at as skin... and a uniform top that was achingly familiar.  As she slowly raised her head to confirm the foggy idea of where she was, the arms she hadn't realized were holding her shifted with her movement, snuffly snore hitching and changing speed before resettling.

By the time her eyes lifted to his face, Elizabeth's mind had cleared enough to pick the memory path to follow.  She remembered the replicators.  And coming home.  And she realized she hadn't had such a wide goofy smile on her face in many, many years.  Watching John Sheppard sleep, seeing how strangely well behaved his hair looked after sleeping on it, and...

Carson's quiet voice intruded, "Mornin' lass.  Yer lookin' right better than the last time ye woke."

She looked over John's shoulder at the smiling doctor, and replied as softly as she could to avoid waking her holder.  "I'm warm and safe, Carson, does wonders for the disposition."  She was too content to bother being circumspect with their old friend.

"Aye, that it does.  How's the tiredness?"

Her eyes widened for a moment, "Uh!"  She tried a breath.  "I don't think I've been this rested in years."

Carson rolled his eyes but refrained from lecturing.  "Aye, well, that'll do wonders right there.  How 'bout the weakness?"

She lifted her arm, still feeling like a lead weight, and grimaced. "Still there."

"And the soreness?"

"Not so bad, I think warmth is helping."

"Like as not.  Hungry?"

"No."  She cuddled closer to John.  "I'm fine."

Carson felt his lip twitch.  "Aye, lass. Let me know when 'e wakes sa ye can both get some food in ya."  He turned away and re-closed the privacy curtain, a spring in his step that had been sorely lacking lately.  It was very good to see her not only here, but cheerful.

####

"You knew I was awake."  His breath wisped the hair on her forehead as he bent his head to touch her skin in something that could have been a kiss.  Hands once again moving slowly back and forth on her back, unconsciously reassuring her now that he was awake again.

She sighed happily. "Yes.  I just wanted to stay here.  I'm so warm."

As she nuzzled deeper into his chest, he took a deep breath and released it slowly, keeping his arms tight around her, enjoying not feeling bands of pain squeezing the air from him for the first time in a seeming forever.

"So.  Did you sleep well?"  He rubbed his chin in her hair, the soft tickling strands lulling his senses half back to sleep.

The fingers of one of her hands had managed to tangle in the hair above his ear, actually making him purr in contentment, too drowsy to keep the reaction inside.  "Yes. Actually," she knew she sounded surprised, "I didn't have nightmares!"  He heard her small giggle of relief from pain and smiled; this was the way to wake up.  To pleasurable sensation and no bad memories.  Maybe the universe wasn't such a bad place.

"You snore."  She said it softly, the intimate knowledge cherished even though she couldn't help wanting to tease.

He wanted to start replying to the teasing, but feeling her snuggle up made him promise himself he'd revisit this delightful accusation when she was in a more playful mood.  There'd be time later to play... his smile grew.  Time.  They had *time*.  He wrapped himself back around her and decided to just *feel* until someone forced him to think again.

####

"How are they doc?"  Sam knew from Beckett's cheerful face that whatever the news was, it wasn't bad.

"Der fine.  Slept for a good 12 hours, *both* o' 'em needin' it.  A caught Dr. Weir awake and she actually seemed happy.  Still weak, but a'm sure it'll pass once she starts eatin' and gettin' around more."

She nodded, "So they're still sleeping?"

Carson hesitated.  "Weeel..." he sighed, "Nah, I reckon der awake.  But all things considered, a reckon ev'n awake-resting is no bad thing for them.  A'm sure the colonel will insist on bein' fed soon or late."

Sam smirked quietly; that had sounded like another colonel she once knew.  When homesickness loomed, she shook herself and got back to work.  "Let me know when they're up to and willing to talk, will ya doc?"

"Aye colonel, will do."


AN: Chapter 2 is well on its way, pray my muse doesn't get stuck in another galaxy... I know I do! lmao, which is a sign if ever there was one that I watch way to much scifi!! <g>


Chapter two

AN: I apologize for how long this has taken. this chapter has been, and remains troublesome. it still doesn't feel right.. but I can't see how to improve right now, so... Many gracious thanks to finnstardust for her patient betaing!!
irregardless --yes, I know the word is wrong, especially the way I use it, I happen to like the word. and I am having my revenge on annoying coworkers by using it here :) so there
eye candy to whoever can spot SG1 references


It was finally John's own body that forced him back to the world, in the form of his stomach growling loudly.  Demanding to be fed.

Elizabeth started laughing, her shoulders shaking with mirth at the intrusion of something so incongruously mundane.  She tried to control herself, but made the mistake of looking at him, watching her with a wide smirk, and she started again, finally pulling herself up to give him a proper hug, the blanket that had covered them falling by the wayside.

It was so good to be home.  Even the smell of the infirmary was suddenly so right and normal.  It didn't matter that he'd had to help her move enough for the hug.  She felt human again.

A hungry human.  She was about to call for Carson when he appeared next to them, his questioning look automatically checking them over.

Before she could say a word, John moved, lifting her first to his arms then to her feet as he got up, still supporting her.  "Can we go to the cafeteria for that food, doc?"  He wanted to take her somewhere more comfortable to sit in than the bed, and with a better choice of food than they were likely to get here.

Carson hesitated, trying to think if there was any risk that would be made worse with her walking the halls.  All his tests had been negative; there really weren't any signs of her being anything other than the woman they'd lost two months past.  As he saw her let the colonel support her, he decided she couldn't be more closely watched over.

"Aye, colonel.  But she's no' to be left alone."  Carson looked Elizabeth in the eye, "Ye're still too weak.  If a hear o' ye overdoin' it, it's back here wi' ye.  Understood?"

Elizabeth smiled her agreement, not needing to be reminded she wasn't up to her usual self: she was only standing because John had an arm around her waist holding her tight to his side.  "I promise, Carson. I'll let Colonel Sheppard command."  She patiently ignored the disbelieving snort of the man holding her up as Carson handed him his earpiece. 

She tried to ignore a twinge of angry sadness at the events that had led her not to have her own.  As much as she frequently hated the things interrupting at all hours... now they were a symbol of a lost life.

It took only a five-minute walk for her to decide pride was 'goeth'ing *now*; otherwise she *would* fall.  She looked John in the eye and admitted: "I don't think I can take another step.  I..."

Before she could finish, he'd lifted her in his arms and was walking down the halls at a much more normal clip than they'd managed so far, his expression neutral, as though this were their usual mode of travel through the corridors of Atlantis.

John waited for a demand that he let her down, or return her to the infirmary; ready to argue either way.  But instead she just shook her head and mumbled something he was just as glad he couldn't decipher.  Since she was relaxing into his hold, one arm snaking around his neck, he went with it, smirking happily.  He knew his Elizabeth.  She'd let him know when she'd had enough rest.  In the meantime, he was getting addicted to having her in is arms.

Right on schedule, when they were in sight of the cafeteria, she tapped his shoulder.  He let her slide down to her feet, glad they'd somehow had the corridors to themselves; he knew she would have been uncomfortable at people watching her be carried, no matter how necessary.  Instead she arrived at their destination calm and went back to leaning on him as though she'd done so for years.  He wondered if she realized they probably looked like a loving couple when they walked through the doors.  Wondered if the look on his face was as transparently infatuated as he felt.

Thankfully, the thunderous silence that broke out when they were spotted didn't seem to faze her.  She smiled and looked like she was thoroughly enjoying seeing everyone again, slipping back into the role of gracious leader without hesitation.

Elizabeth did guess that they were providing a picture, all aside from her sudden reappearance in their lives.  But even if she'd been able to go without his support, at some point while they held onto each other, fighting off the demons of the last few months, they'd both forgotten how not to have physical contact.  The idea of denying or dismissing the intimacy they'd slipped into, after so long thinking everything she cherished lost to her.  The idea of letting John go again, let along forcing him to let her go.  It all sounded like the stupidest notion she'd ever heard, she didn't want to slip back to their old status quo; she had no idea where they were going, but she didn't want to go back.  And the touch they kept on each other provided reassurance that they were taking this new road together, however rocky it was likely to be.

As though called by her thoughts of relationships, she saw Teyla and Ronon standing together off to the side, and she deliberately set aside her own worries as she remembered the roll call Colonel Carter had given her, back when she still thought this was all fake.

"Teyla!"  She was smiling widely, feeling belated elation for her friends, hurrying over to them, trusting John to read her intentions and react.  Not surprised when he was right with her, only letting her go at the last possible instant so she could hug the mother-to-be.

John stepped back, no further than a step, feeling everyone starting to crowd near now that her moving had broken the spell, the sound of scientists and soldiers greeting their friend filling the room with chaos.  They must have managed to arrive right at the lunch hour.  He caught Ronon's eye with concern, saw the understanding in the man's eyes and saw him immediately position himself opposite Sheppard to shield the women, ready to lend physical support or crowd control at need to keep their weak leader and his pregnant mate from being overwhelmed.

####

They were in the cafeteria for an hour before John, giving in to the growing itch to touch her again, decided the strain of too many people too fast was getting to her and broke into the conversation by the simple expedient of walking to her chair and putting his hands firmly on her shoulders.  Her eyes whipped to him with a surprised glare, but miraculously enough, it changed to understanding and even gratitude.

Elizabeth turned back to his smirking teammates sitting at the table, refusing to be embarrassed.  Oddly enough, no one had yet to comment on either hers or John's much more tactile behaviour toward each other, much to her grateful surprise.  She shrugged, lips quirking, "Looks like the doctor's guard is ordering me back to bed."

As she got up, John slipped his arm back around her waist and they got away from the last few lunch stragglers with a few waves and calls of 'See you later!’.  Once out of the room, Elizabeth finally got tired of the half-smiling look he had fixed on her.  "What?"

He shrugged the shoulder between them.  "Trying to decide if you're more tired than you look and need to be taken to the infirmary, or if you just had enough of the crowd."

She smiled, relaxing.  "I think it would be in my advantage to go with the second option."  John's arms tightened around her, finding his own reaction to the crowd, and having to share her, easier to admit to himself.  "Though the truth… is a bit of both.  And a good meal making me drowsy."

Elizabeth turned her eyes to his, widening them and fluttering her lashes, making a game of trying his own puppy-dog look on him.  "And... I was hoping you could be persuaded to show me some of the other places in Atlantis that I've missed."

She watched appreciatively as he threw back his head and laughed. 

Having Elizabeth make him do her bidding was so normal, the sudden release from the tension, pain, regret... left him exhilarated.  He wrapped his arms around her and spun them in place, making her squeak in protest and grab onto him, her laughter joining his.  Not seeing his head bend, the touch of his lips on hers making her breath catch in surprise and pleasure.

He was still laughing and the kiss was hardly more than lips touching and bouncing.  Just enough to make her long-starved senses want more.  She finally shifted her hand to his nape to hold him in place, his laughter dying quickly as their lips met firmly for the first time, shifted and met again.  Not trying to get serious, just getting to know each other.  Allowing themselves to confirm that there was attraction between them for other than friendship and the lure of the forbidden.

John wasn't really sure when the change had happened. He'd gone from laughter being driven through him.  To now doing something guaranteed to shift the foundations of his life, again.

Even waking up besides her.  Even hearing her admit, in her own way, that she was as attracted to him as he was to her.  He hadn't allowed himself to truly believe any of that would change how they would carry on their lives.  He had *never* expected to be standing in a public hallway, kissing Elizabeth Weir... at any time.  A smile quirked his lips at the thought and they both opened their eyes, slowly separating.

When her lips parted on a breath, he swooped back for another quick taste before forcing himself away, still smiling.  He was deliberately controlling his breathing, his heartbeat faster than it should have been considering what they'd been doing was the most innocent form of kissing.  What this woman could do to him...

"You… ahh, feel like visiting the balcony?"  His voice was embarrassingly husky, but if he didn't say something, the look she was still giving him was going to destroy his good intentions.  Eventually these corridors would go back to their usual busy level, and neither of them would enjoy having an audience.

Elizabeth took a moment more to savour the fact that she could get to him so easily.  Hiding a gleeful grin, ignoring the fact that she could feel her own blood coursing, her cheeks flushed.  "The balcony would be very nice."  But for a moment more, neither of them moved to release the other.

When he heard footsteps coming toward them, John silently let her go, only keeping a light touch on her back.  Letting her take the lead, he found himself relaxing into his old familiar position, beside and behind Elizabeth.  It was hard to imagine that all his life, right up to just a few years ago, he had made do without this.  Without... a home.  He’d had no concept that he could be made content just by finding one person.

Without his realizing it, his whole body had gotten stiff and tight the last few weeks, but now he felt the tension release, felt himself standing straighter, walking more loosely, relearning what he'd felt like as Elizabeth's second in command.  Someone watching would have been hard pressed to realize the man swaggering down the hall now was any other than the colonel from two months ago; the quiet, hunched man who'd haunted Atlantis during that time was gone without a trace.

####

By the time they got to a section of balcony away from public areas, he could see her self-confidence, that sense of who Elizabeth Weir *is*, slowly coming back.  And his own confidence seemed to strengthen with it.  He supposed he ought to be disturbed that his sense of identity seemed to have gotten tangled in her... but compared to being loose, buffeted by the winds of life, she wasn't a bad root to have gotten attached to.

As they stepped out and walked to the edge of the deck, the fresh salt air hit Elizabeth's lungs and she took a long breath, holding it before breathing out.  Feeling the last stale replicator air cleansed from her and life breathing back in in its wake.  The steel cobwebs in her mind disintegrating without a whimper, her natural optimism and curiosity snapping back into focus.

He saw her whole posture change.  In moments, *there* was the woman who had mediated quibbling scientist, stood up to a knife to her throat and both allowed him to go to his death and teased him for defending her.  She was back to gazing at the world with eyes shining like they used to.

When she turned to John, the last piece of her life dropped back into place.  Her grinning lieutenant, equally ready to flirt or defend at a moment's notice. 

She smirked, she'd have to find a way to sneak that expression for subordinate into a conversation one day; maybe when he got his eagle and got over-cocky again.  She took another breath of air to keep her grin from getting too wicked; she wondered what the military punishment was for calling a colonel 'lieutenant'.  Allowed herself briefly to consider a life where he might take a more intimate revenge.

John watched her take another deep breath of ocean air, faint grin on his lips, reminded of their conversation just a few hours ago.  She caught the teasing glint in his eyes and raised her brows, happy to play. "What??"

He closed the gap between them and rested both hands on her hips, leaning toward her.  Refusing to let his doubts about how she could possibly want him stop him from making her laugh.  Her eyes closed as he slowly trailed a line of gentle kisses from her eyelids to her ear, enjoying the freedom to touch and taste.  "Smell better than me?"

She could feel his smirk on the curve of her ear and it took her a few seconds to make sense of the strange question.  When she did, she would have growled at him except that his breath on her neck was making her shiver through the heated blush the memory of her own admission had brought.  Teasing pest.

Instead of trying to deny the truth, she took the offencive, putting her recently acquired knowledge to good use.  Sneaking a hand up to his nape, waiting for his attention to be on her fingers toying with the short hairs there before turning her head to deliberately sniff at his neck.  Delighted with the full body shiver she felt race through him.

It was her turn to smirk.  "Nope.  Still better."  Not letting herself get caught up in him again, she deliberately exhaled on his skin to make him shiver again.  The only way to keep someone as playful as John Sheppard in line; use *every* trick.  And the attraction between them definitely gave her some enjoyable ammunition.

He huffed laughter, pulling back enough to enjoy the sight of her having fun at his expense, their gazes locking, a world of affection passing between them.  He was glad that they were managing both to slip into this new relationship so calmly and to keep their old rapport intact.  Aware suddenly of all the little steps they'd been taking in this direction through the years.

She realized that once, standing like this would have made her mildly nervous, definitely self-conscious, their closeness a reminder of all the things between them that they never discussed, never acted on.  Now...  Now when he stepped further into her personal space, she leaned back on the railing, inviting him closer, her pulse jumping as he took the invitation and shifted his hands to either side of her on the rail, their legs slotting together.

"Colonel."  Her voice still has a teasing lilt through the new huskiness.

"Doctor."  He waited a beat, continuing their visual discussion, then grinned and descended as though to kiss her lips, instead pecking the tip of her nose.  She laughed, reached up and grabbed a tuft of hair on either side of his head, careful of his earpiece, then pulled him in for a proper kiss.  She took advantage of his parted lips to slip her tongue inside, feeling his immediate response, not sure which of them groaned as one of his hands slid to the back of her neck.  She let herself drown in the sea of sensations suddenly lapping at her mind, tingling awareness of the body so close to hers spreading warmth through her.

It was a chilly breeze that finally hit them, forcing shivers that had to do with cold skin rather than hot blood.  They both pulled away, staring at each other as they caught their breaths, his hands on her hips, one of hers on his neck and the other under his shirt, resting on his bare back.  The way their legs were entwined left no doubt as to his reaction to their activities, and her grinding herself into him was just as obvious.

John leaned his forehead to hers, trying to catch his breath.  "So.  Where do we go from here, doctor?"  He pressed a kiss to her cheek, senses still drowning in her, unable to let go quite yet.  "We're in the wrong place to continue this.  Where does that leave us?"

Her hand under his shirt caressed, touch of warm bare skin a reassurance in an uncertain life.  "I want you."

She felt this muscles contract under her fingers.  He kissed her ear, smiling.  "I want you too."

"In my 'life', Sheppard."

He could hear her trying to be stern, failing to hide the laughter underneath, and the nails scratching down his back were more arousing than punishment.  After another kiss to her cheek he pulled back, getting serious, trying to read exactly what she meant, seeing a steadiness and commitment in her expression reminiscent of their former lives.  But with their current position, with her hand still stroking him, they had a new meaning.

The 'life' she was offering him access to wasn't just that of friends and professionals.  It was intimate and permanent.  "So."  He felt feelings rising through his chest and blurted out in a rush, "Whither thou goest."  For whither thou goest, I will go**.

She felt tears smart at her eyes; tried to smile through wobbly lips.  She would never have expected John Sheppard, her US Air Force boyish colonel, of all the many people she had met in her life, to be the one to say something so romantic as to bring her to tears.  Perhaps she should have, he did have a habit of going from teasing flyboy to intelligent, intuitive, even sensitive man.

A stranger listening might have been forgiven for wondering why such inconclusive, unrelated statements could be treated as the end of a conversation.  But for the two, after years communicating whole command arguments with a 2-second glance, they knew the words were promises.  And they stood now, confirming their words with the even more reassuring statement of touch and eyes.

She slipped her hand into his hair, cradling the back of his head as he tilted his head into her palm, his eyes closing with a sigh of contentment.  "Whither thou goest." her voice was so soft that the rising ocean breeze almost took it before he could hear, but the small grin when he opened his eyes said he'd heard.  The unaccustomed quiet happiness in his eyes said he believed her.

She wished they could stay in this moment forever.  But wither, 'where', was indeed the thing.  Nothing would change their commitment to have a relationship, but... could they really become intimate without regret if she had to leave right after?  For who knew how long, or who knew where.  "Maybe... Maybe I can convince them to let me stay here to help translate the Ancient database."

It seemed a faint hope, both of them all too aware of the attitudes of their superiors toward replicators and compromised personnel, not to mention intimate relationships within the command.  They were both quiet, holding each other's eyes, holding *each other*.  Feeling their way slowly through the scarce options.  And what they wanted, and what their responsibilities were.

"With Carter here... She's a good commander.  Atlantis *is* taken care of.  I can get a post on earth."  He grinned crookedly.  "For once in my life my file actually has good words in it!  I could ask for something stateside."  Leaving unsaid that he would be in a better position to fight anyone who tried to take her away for medical or military reasons.

Elizabeth blinked, again trying to keep quick tears at bay.  She slid her hands up to cup his face, eyes locked with his.  She knew how much his work here really meant to him, knew the memories he carried of Earth.  Knew even more how much he would hate a stateside, in other words inactive, role.  No one needed to tell Elizabeth Weir that he'd just offered her all he was.

She hated the very thought of his leaving Atlantis for her, but she was a skilled enough reader of people to recognize his set mind.  And she refused to deny her awareness of the fact that he cared enough for her to be just as miserable as she would be if they were separated again.  She tightened her chin, holding back the tremble, raising herself to kiss him gently.

Then, needing to move, she pushed him gently away by the shoulders with a last squeeze.  Knowing it was a subconscious attempt to escape the problems; but then again, she could tell herself that moving would help her think.  Hoping he would understand what she needed, as he had so many times before.

John acceded to her silent request and put an arm around her shoulders, tugging her to walk with him.  The part of him that had never felt attachment to anyone was glad for the break in intensity to have a chance to get used to the new order they'd blithely talked themselves into.  But mostly, John Sheppard had given the woman beside him the reins and rights to his life so long ago now...  Making a verbal commitment had almost been a relief.   Figuring out how to make their way into a life together was just a formality.  Details he had every faith they could work through.  Eventually.

But the knowledge, the very notion that she felt the same for him made him feel like leaping a few of Atlantis' spires and he tried to keep the triumphant grin off his face.  He didn't  want to be called on it and have to admit out loud that he felt like Superman...  It *would* be nice to have superpowers to use to keep them here together, but he had no hesitation to returning to the Milky Way if that was what it took to be with Elizabeth.  His conscience was content everyone here would be just fine without him.

Elizabeth, for her part, allowed herself to be distracted by the alien, though now familiar, beauty of Atlantis, shining in the bright sunlight.  Trying to imagine the people who built it.  Taking it in as the cultural accomplishment it was, rather than the engineering wonder they were determinedly, even desperately, mining.

It seemed only a few minutes passed before Elizabeth started to slow down, the burst of energy she'd gotten from lunch giving out.  The weakness was both annoying and embarrassing.  For pity's sake, she used to work 14-hour days without problems and now she couldn't take a gentle stroll after being up a measly three hours.

John's arm lowered to her waist, pulling her close and she looked up in surprise to see him watching her with teasing concern.  "You're out of shape."  He grinned and kissed her forehead.  "What you need is exercise... want to come to my quarters?"

"John!"  Elizabeth allowed herself to be teased out of her self-pitying mood, paying him back for the unsubtle invitation by sliding the hand between them onto his buttocks and pinching, snorting in laughter when he jumped and squawked a protest.

"What??"  There was laughter in his voice.  "I was just offering a game of Scrabble!"  He even threw in kicked-puppy-eyes, just to see if he could get her indulgent look in return.

She blinked severely, refusing to let him get off so easily. 

All the while considering his offer.  He looked back, dropping the humour, watching her reaction, more than ready to offer her reassurance it would be platonic if she needed it.

"Scrabble, huh?"  She smiled slowly.  "Can I use Ancient?"

"What?  No!  No fair!  How 'bout chess?"  He tried to look innocent, not sure she knew his skill level or not.  Her sudden belly laugh told him the answer well enough.  "Fine.  Scrabble in English."

"Old English?"

"No!"  They were walking as they played at fighting, their destination never really in question.

####

Into their second game, John had just ducked to avoid a tile thrown at him by a growling Elizabeth when Carson's voice sounded in his ear.

"And where is me patient, colonel?"

He made himself control his laughter enough to speak as she leaned over the board, pushing him into the bed to take revenge for his trying to cheat.  "In my quarters, Carson.  We're just playing Scrabble."

Carson snorted to himself, taking the rare chance to tease the colonel.  "Oh aaaye.  Is that what you call it these days?  Well enough, but no strenuous activity fer Dr. Weir!"

Elizabeth, nose to nose with John, heard and sputtered, "Carson!", followed with John's indignant, "Beckett!"

"Aye, that's me name.  Ye both know exactly what a mean.  Just make sure a see ye first thing in the mornin' Elizabeth.  Carson out."

Elizabeth so thoroughly enjoyed seeing the usually glib John Sheppard blushing, she decided to forgive Carson and found herself smiling.

John saw her laughing eyes and threw his weight up to land himself on top her, enjoying her laughing squeak.  Using the gruffest voice he could fake, he leaned into her ear, holding her hands above her head. "Want to play *Scrabble*, Doctor Weir?"  As she dissolved into giggles, he kept her from recovering by tickling her, merciless in his search of her most sensitive spot, completely ignoring her howls for mercy.

After they'd tracked down all the tiles mislaid in their horseplay, John could see her eyes fogging with tiredness, the tickle session obviously wearing out the last of her resources.  He was rather hoping she would let herself catch a nap if he was subtle enough.  When he went to put away the Scrabble game, leaving her sitting on the bed trying not to slouch, he grabbed his small travel chess set and came back to her, sitting up against the wall and pulling her unresisting body between his open legs.

It took wheedling and a few soft kisses along her neck, but he ended up convincing her to play with him, the addition of a three move handicap closing the deal along with the promise of unbiased advice on each move.  He figured the game would distract/bore her enough that her body would pass out and sleep.  And he could hold her while she slept.  Not a bad plan if he did say so himself.

####

Elizabeth woke slowly, feeling warm and rested, somehow not particularly worried that she didn't know where she was.

She lifted her head from its hard but heated pillow, blinked her eyes a few times to focus, hand rising to rub some of the sleep away.  With the movement she felt something jabbing her thigh and finally paid attention to where she was, eyes meeting John's as her moving woke him up.  She smiled, wondering how she could have slept laying on his right half, wondering if she'd cut circulation to his leg, considering her weight had been right on it.

Then she grinned, becoming awake enough to tease.  "Is that your sidearm or are you glad to see me?"

He snorted, tilting his hips to pull out the chess piece stuck between them. "Nope, just my king getting familiar."

Elizabeth laughed, playfully slapping his chest before trying to get up, only to have him pull her down for a quick kiss.  "Sleep good?"

She considered his self-satisfied grin and remembered how oddly monotone his voice had gotten when he was 'helping' her chess game...  She had a sudden vision of evenings getting tricked into actually getting the rest he and Carson were so convinced she needed.  Being teased and slow-danced into not even regretting the work left undone.  She couldn't believe she was actually yearning for it, actually curious to see what else he would come up with to distract her, given the chance.  Had her priorities changed that much?  Was she OK with that?

John's fingers brushing her cheek made her realize she'd zoned out on him and he was giving her a concerned look.  She shook her head gently, turning to kiss his fingertips and would have said something to reassure him, except her stomach chose that moment to declaim the time.

Elizabeth snorted a laugh and got up, balancing on his chest, taking an extra second just to imagine she could feel his heartbeat under her hand.  Eventually letting him up and getting cleaned up for dinner.

####

Sam grabbed a tray, getting in line behind McKay and watching Sheppard and Weir, sitting at a table, for the moment alone as the dinner hour just ended.  "I'm surprised Beckett let her out so soon."

"Probably had something to do with the heavy-handed fellow guarding her."

"Clawed."

"Uh? Oh! Yes, I suppose he was rather dragonish when he swooped and all but grabbed her away at lunch. I expected her to take a strip off him."

Sam smirked. "Did she?"

"No," McKay sounded disgruntled, "She put her arms around his waist."  He brightened, "He looked like he was expecting a hit though."

"Well, whatever they have just started.  It takes a while to figure out when a woman will hit you."

"Really?"  Sam grinned at the intrigued tone in McKay's voice, she'd have to get Jack to throw some digs...

Unaware of being the topic of conversation, the couple continued to eat and talk, looking for all the world as though they were discussing some conundrum they were facing with the city or its inhabitants.  With a few smirks and gestures thrown in, more obviously denoting teasing in progress.

####

As much as she was enjoying the real food, the taste of coffee and the pleasure of catching up on everything she had missed.  And even as much as she enjoyed watching her colonel being his old animated self, she finally had to face the issue that they were both so carefully avoiding with their long dinner.

She straightened from where she'd been leaning on her elbows, putting her third cup of coffee down.  By then, John had caught the change and was watching her quietly.  Hopefully.  "So."  And there she stalled, not sure what to say.  She was grateful when he beat her to it.

"So.  Do you want me to walk you back to the infirmary?  Or," he swallowed quickly, eyes never leaving hers, "Do you want to go back to my quarters?"

He was stuck, trying not to push her where she wasn't ready to go, yet not wanting her to doubt for a moment his willingness to go there.  He knew he must be looking like an uncertain teenage boy, but couldn't really find a safe enough path out of the morass at this instant.

Elizabeth wasn't sure why she was even hesitating.  This was where they'd been moving all day, all their acquaintance for that matter.  She had no doubts about desiring the next step, nor about his equal commitment.  Finally, using her years of professional experience, she shook herself firmly out of her atypical pussyfooting and slid her hand across the table to reach for his, determinedly smiling.

John released the breath he realized he'd been holding, not regretting the obviousness of his reaction when her smile got a little more genuine.  His wide grin was sure to have elation in it, irregardless of the fact that he could still sense her hesitation.

Elizabeth read the intent in his expression too late to stop his raising the sensitive inside of her wrist to his lips, laying the slowest of kisses on her lifeline.  Her wide eyes locked to his rapidly sobering ones, sensual delight whispering away at least some of her indecision.

Neither noticed the small but riveted audience they had collected as they got up and made their way out.  Among them, Ronon sat silently near the door, having watched his friends mince their way together.  If he'd thought Sheppard would see or appreciate it, he would have given him a 'thumbs up' for his wooing skills.  As it was he grinned at the hubbub rising from the rest of the dinner crowd and wondered who would get the big payoff from the betting pools.

John slipped his arm around Elizabeth's waist, knowing it was very obviously not to support her, not caring what the people they were passing thought of their strolling the corridors like lovers.  They'd both spent the last two months in Hell.  They deserved whatever separate peace they could find.  And anyway, she was a civilian now, and he was off duty.  He kept his hold firm, glad she was returning it, and glared at anyone who stared too much.

When they got to his room, an iPod stereo system caught her eye and she remembered her earlier thought that she could imagine him slow-dancing her into resting.  She walked over to it as he locked the door, looking for some dance music; not shocked to find a few mellow, romantic songs.  Finally turning to find him watching her with a smile, leaning back on the door.  As the music started, she swayed toward him, giving him her best come-hither look, rewarded with his heavy lidded once-over and a hand pulling her close as he joined her in a space clear enough to shuffle in.

"And we danced,
Out there on that empty hardwood floor
The chairs up and the lights turned way down low
The music played, we held each other close
And we danced"

The few songs she had selected eventually gave way to a rock tune and she raised her head from his chest, blinking her eyes open.  His slow stroking of her back and quiet crooning of the lyrics in one ear had all but put her to sleep.  Elizabeth went to turn the player off, stifling a yawn, as John rummaged in his dresser.

When he turned and offered her a t-shirt with a raised brow, she gave him a small questioning smile, taking it slowly.  He stepped up to her, lifting her free wrist to his lips again.  "When we're ready. Not before."

She nodded slowly, feeling hidden nerves settle.  The day had been eventful enough.  She realized she wanted to remember their coming together for itself.  So with a teasing smirk, she grabbed a handful of shirt at his collar and pulled him down for a fast but deep kiss, then took the improvised nightdress into the bathroom to get ready for bed.

Catching his breath as he watched her sway away from him, John found himself a pair of loose sweatpants and changed into them, sitting against the wall, on the bed, to wait for his turn at the facilities, slipping his earpiece off.  He closed his eyes so he could listen to her moving in his bathroom rather than face the same room he had lain in alone for so long.

He got up when she came out, dropping a kiss on the crown of her head as he passed her.  Elizabeth watched him bemusedly.  The idea of sharing nightly rituals with a man again - let along her oh-so attractive former second-in-command - would take getting used to.

When John switched off the light and returned to the bed, he found her already asleep, curled on her side, facing him.  She'd left the blanket only over her legs and it had already slipped, presenting him with a seductive vision he took the time to appreciate.  He finally breathed through the fist of emotion seeing her laying on his bed had jammed in his throat.  She looked as innocent as a child; yet still the seductress of his dreams.

He slipped into bed, pulling the covers up and tugging her into spooning with his body so they could more easily share the small bed.  Nuzzling her softly as he contently dozed off; the roller-coaster day taking its toll on him too.

####

Not sure what woke her, Elizabeth became aware of the body stretched tight with tension next to her, shocked for a moment to hear a whimper.  She reached up and shook his shoulder.  "John!"

He snapped awake, grabbing her hand off him before he caught up with reality.  The lights came on suddenly from his scrambled thoughts.  His wide eyes letting her see the pain there.  He finally caught his breath, eyes focusing on her, slowly reaching for her, more than half afraid she would vanish again.  "This is real... right?"  His voice sounded hoarse with pain.

Moving slowly so as to not startle him, she cupped his cheeks, then reached up and kissed his eyes closed again as she pulled him to her heart, feeling his arms wrap tight around her as he took a hiccoughing breath, obviously trying to get control of himself, for the moment as lost as a child.  "Its alright.  I'm right here.  Everything is going to be OK."  She murmured into his hair, rubbing her cheek on his head, letting touch get through the remnants of his nightmare.

When he tried to pull back while still breathing unsteadily, she wrapped her legs around him to keep him in place, switching to massaging his head to soothe him, glad to feel him start to relax and eventually give a shuddery sigh, sliding his head to a more comfortable position as Elizabeth eased the hold she had on him.  Slowing but not stopping the massage, half-hoping he'd fall back asleep.  Glad when he turned the lights back off.

After the third time he made a funny snuffle-purr sound and nuzzled into her, Elizabeth had to ask.  "What does it feel like?"  She kept her voice soft and low so as not to distract him.

It took a few moments for him to react, and even then he sounded half-asleep.  "Like... a bubble of protection keeping the world at bay."  He nuzzled her again.  "Like... love.  Like I'm not alone and there's someone caring for me.  Like my brain just rolls over, shuts down and enjoys it."

Elizabeth trailed a hand down to stroke her thumb on his lips, bending her head to kiss the top of his head as she whispered, "You are loved, John Sheppard.  You most definitely are."

She wasn't sure if she imagined his arms tightening momentarily around her, but he was sleeping now and she was just as glad.  There would be a better time to tell him.


AN: 'Pride goes before a fall' is a paraphrase of an ancient Hebrew proverb, designed to warn that excessive pride will often cause one to fall or fail. Source: wikipedia
'For whither thou goest, I will go' though apparently from the bible (now that I googled it), to me it's just a line, a romantic one to my mind, used in the wedding ceremony.
the little couplet of lyrics are the refrain from 'We danced' by Brad Paisley
this is not likely to get another chapter. maybe epilogue'ish scenelets, but that's it, so I hope you enjoyed and didn't find it too soppy


Chapter three


Sam walked into the infirmary mid-morning the next day, looking for an update on the Pegasus galaxy's latest curveball.

"Doc. I saw Dr. Weir in the cafeteria last night. She looked like she was doing well."

"Aye, colonel." Carson shrugged, "A really am quite certain that she wasn't..." his hands waved, looking for a word, "'Changed' in any way. The only medical reason a had to keep her was to make sure she ate," he grinned, "And a rather think Colonel Sheppard had at least an equal chance o' accomplishin' that. If she'd looked worried at facing everyone, a'd have kept her here, but she was a great deal more like herself and looked downright happy at the thought o' getting out and about. And what with the colonel accompanyin' her, a didn't see a security risk. In any case, a had her come in this morning-"

Sam's brows rose, "This morning? Where was she last night..." she slowed by the time she finished the sentence, lips trying to twitch into the same grin she knew her eyes had to be shinning with. She cleared her throat and tried to keep her tone innocent, "Can I assume she was still under guard when she came here?"

Carson kept his face straight, not really comfortable enough with Atlantis' new commander to in any way make light of his friends. "Aye, colonel. A had ta chase him away to run ma tests. Just finished a little while ago."

Sam glanced around automatically, then focused on the doctor when he continued in response to her look. "She's with Heightmeyer now."

Into the silence that descended with that thought, Carson heard familiar footsteps in the hallway behind her, not surprised to see Colonel Sheppard amble in.

Sam turned when the doctor's eyes shifted behind her, again struck at how clearly different this man was from the colonel who'd passed command to her two months ago. And at how quickly he changed from relaxed to on-the-offencive when he saw the empty bed against the wall where he must have left Dr. Weir.

Suddenly standing right in front of her, looking furious and hands fisted, he growled threateningly, "Where is she?" Sam straightened and tensed, eyes narrowing, automatically readying for the attack his stance plainly warned of.

"Colonel!" Carson hurriedly stepped between them, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder, nodding reassuringly when the man turned fiercely worried eyes on him. "Elizabeth's fine. She's with Dr. Heightmeyer. On my word, colonel."

John swallowed tightly, trying to breathe out the fear, eyes very slowly relaxing; looking away as he nodded, putting more distance between him and the other two. He was torn between needing to go find Elizabeth and confirm that nothing was afoot, and realizing that he'd already likely gone too far - knowing that too much depended on his keeping his position. He straightened to parade rest, looking Colonel Carter in the eye, "I apologize, ma'am."

Sam nodded, acknowledging the words, holding him in place with her stare, deciding if he was a danger, regretting that she didn't have a better baseline to read him by. Going by the mental picture of him she'd developed in last two months, her years in the Stargate program would have had her order him into Beckett's care for behaving this way; with guards.

But the doctor's own acceptance of the violent response made her keep her reaction on hold; for now. "At ease, colonel." She watched his continued tension, "I don't intend to let anything happen to her, you know." She was faintly insulted by the fact that he hardly acknowledged her words, putting forth a pretty clear lack of belief. She frowned at him, "Sheppard, I'm not about to hand her over to anyone that would do her any harm, nor would I do *anything* without involving you."

John's jaw clenched, seeing that she expected a response, "Sorry, ma'am. Yes, ma'am." It wasn't that he specifically *didn't trust* Carter. But he didn't have any reason to actually *trust* her. And handing over Elizabeth's continued freedom and safety required a damned *jumperload* of trust.

Sam's lips tightened, but she resigned herself to not getting through to him right now, instead nodding to the door, "Dismissed, colonel." Watching him hurry away, she heard the doctor sigh besides her.

"A'm afraid Colonel Sheppard isn't one ta trust easily colonel. Especially na' over the safety of his people." He looked at her seriously, "And ya have ta admit, there are people in the military as aren't gonna be happy over this."

"I'm well aware of them doctor. Believe it or not, I've even *dealt* with them before. I've had aliens for teammates and friends for 10 years. I'm *well* aware of the dangers. Which is exactly why I'm annoyed. Dr. Weir is one of *my* people now, and I have no intention whatsoever of letting her fall into the wrong hands." She took a deep breath, making herself calm down, "But I realize he's under stress. And you're not the first person to tell me he's not the trusting sort. His record was replete with examples of his response to authority."

She shook her head, deliberately relaxing her body, mentally putting herself... on second thought, putting *Jack* in his position.

Carson kept quiet as the woman's eyes focused on nothing for a minute, hoping Rodney's infatuation with her was justified; that her reputation had enough truth in it for his friends' to make it out of this mess.

"Umph." Sam finally grunted unhappily. She focused on the doctor, "So the nanites haven't changed at all? No increase or change in behaviour or..."

"Nothin'. Tha simple truth is that, physically, she's fit. A've run every test a can. Unless Kate says differently... a'm only keeping her under medical observation until her weight is back to somethin' normal."

Sam nodded, "Thanks Beckett. For everything." Still mulling over the events, she headed back to her office, hating how much of an outsider she still felt here. After the years with the SGC and Area 51, landing in a job where McKay was the friendliest face... she grimaced.

They'd started getting along a damn sight better than they used to over the weeks, but that didn't say much. Although... She nodded to herself, yeah, maybe she needed to talk to him. Maybe he'd have something useful to say about this.

####

"Doctor Heightmeyer?"

Kate Heightmeyer smiled at her patient, taping her earpiece, "Yes, colonel?" She saw Dr. Weir's eyes brighten.

"Is... is she there?"

Her voice softened at the man's uncertain tone, replying in a soothing voice, "Yes John, she's right here. Would you like to talk to her?"

"I..." standing in the corridor a few doors from the psychologist's office, John swallowed, "If she wants."

The doctor grinned at Elizabeth, covering the mic as she took the earpiece off and quoting, "'Do you want to talk to him?'"

The woman rolled her eyes, reaching for the communicator without bothering to reply. "John?"

He straightened with a relieved breath as soon as he heard her voice. Hearing the roughness of tears in it, he wished he could help her, all the while knowing this was necessary. "You OK?"

"Yeah." She exchanged a wry look with Dr. Heightmeyer, "I'm sure you know how much fun this is."

She could hear the unhappy memories in his reply, "Yeah. You... You'll get the doc to call me when you're done?"

She smiled softly, unconsciously turning away slightly, her voice quiet, "Of course. I'll be fine John. I'm glad to get this over with sooner rather than later. You know as well as I do that it's necessary for us to be able to go forward."

He smiled sadly, "Yeah. I'll be waiting. Hang on." Think of me; he thought but didn't say.

"I will." I love you; again, not the time. She blinked back new tears, taking a shuddering breath before turning back to the watching counsellor.

Accepting her earpiece back, Kate took the opportunity to go into another set of concerns. "And how do you feel about that?"

Elizabeth smiled wryly, not surprised at the new tack. "I'm seriously pissed at the bastards for putting Atlantis through this. For making me a source of pain for my people. I wish he hadn't had to live through that." Kate didn't comment at the change in pronoun, watching deep but controlled anger. Sadness. But over it, the same peace that had kept her patient calm throughout the interview, and a joy that had risen through with the colonel's call.

Elizabeth looked the doctor in the eye firmly, "What I feel for John has nothing to do with the last two months. This has just convinced us to finally acknowledge what we've felt for a long time. I'm not clinging to him for safety. Nor looking for proof that I'm alive."

Kate smiled; the combination of the woman's old stubbornness and this new willingness to admit to emotional attachment was a sight she'd wished for for three years. "I believe you. What about him? How do you think *he*'s taking this?"

Elizabeth frowned, a little confused, "Shouldn't you be asking John that?"

"I will," Kate watched her expression carefully, "But how you *think* he is... will tell me about *you*."

"Ah," Elizabeth smiled wryly again, sobering as she took her time responding. "I think that.. he had lost hope. Had-" She stopped, biting her lip and looking at her hands, twisting in her lap, knowing what she had to say... but unwilling to say it. Unwilling to put into words the knowledge that they'd worked around for so long. To give voice to anything that could sound like criticism to someone who didn't share the feelings behind it. As minutes passed though, the doctor stayed silent, the air growing thick; demanding that she speak if she wanted this session to continue. To finish.

She closed her eyes, remembering the feeling of strength and optimism she'd woken up with, the safety and pleasure she'd felt with John's bare arms wrapped around her and his quiet breathing on her neck. *That* was why she was here, to try to make sure they always had that; one way or another... She gripped the arms of her chair with careful control, looked the other woman straight in the eye and whispered softly, "He gave up on hope; on his future. And now.. he's planning his future.. around me."

"And that makes you uncomfortable." First her eyes had dropped, and now Kate could see Elizabeth's hands gripping each other in her lap. "Why?"

Back to talking about herself, Elizabeth spoke more calmly, watching her fingers snake around each other again. "I have no job. No home. They could still decide the nanites are dangerous; that *I*'m dangerous. He deserves so much.. and I don't know that I'll even have the chance to try to give it to him. That I won't end up-" she swallowed thickly, "Breaking him. Again. That he won't get himself into *so much* trouble trying to fight people he can't win against. Because of me."

"Elizabeth?" Kate waited for Atlantis' old leader to look up again, not quite crying, but close, "Do you think there's anything you could do; could *ever* have done, to stop him?"

Elizabeth grimaced, answering with resignation, "No."

"Do you think it's your *fault*?"

She rolled her eyes, snapping, "No. I just.." But she couldn't complete the thought. And the anger was helping to clear her thoughts. This was nothing new. The fact that she no longer had power to protect him, that their relationship was more intimate, his happiness that much more her concern; neither of those thing were good enough reasons to feel sorry for herself. She calmed herself determinedly, admitting the worry to herself but refusing to let it guide her, "He's a grown man. He makes his own choice and I have to respect that. And we're stronger together; there *is* hope."

Kate nodded with silent approval, "Alright." She waited a few more beats for Elizabeth to regain her quietly expectant expression and then returned to their interrupted discussion.

####

Going on a knowledgeable hunch, Elizabeth stepped out of Kate's office and looked down the corridor before she bothered having the woman call John.

And gave him a bitten-lip, shaky smile where he was rising from his seat against the wall in front of her. She moved gratefully into his tight hug when he hurriedly came to her and wrapped himself around her protectively.

She'd had her emotions under a rein, albeit a light one, when she stepped out, but the not-yet-accustomed comfort reached in and pulled more tears from her as her hands fisted in his shirt.

Aware that they were in a public hallway, John shuffled her carefully back into the counsellor's office, grateful the woman gave him an approving nod and left them alone.

He pressed his lips to her temple, refusing to say meaningless nonsense that he knew damned personally didn't help, just holding her and trying to keep how badly it made him hurt deep inside to hear the pain in her quiet sobs. How badly, helplessly, he wanted to *kill* something. Instead kissing what skin he could still reach with her burrowed tightly into his chest, just so that she would know he was there; running his hands over her to keep her warm and connected to him.

He didn't change his hold as she started to calm, feeling the warmth from her shaky breaths on his skin through his now-damp shirt. Feeling her start to relax and just lean on him.

A few more minutes and she raised her head, her hands unlocking their death-grip and sliding up to cup his jaw as she raised herself and kissed him, slow and tender, tasting of tears and peace. Silently reassuring him that all was still right with their private world.

He finally pulled away, looking into her eyes and still finding remnants of pain and fear... but most of all, the solid strength he always associated with Elizabeth. And affection he was just learning to accept.

"I'm OK," Elizabeth smiled, her fingertips lazily playing with the hairs of his sideburns, "Let's go.. home."

Grinning slightly to hear her call his meagre room 'home', John kissed the tip of her nose before pulling back and reaching for a tissue from the doc's desk. Carefully wiping the tears still on her cheeks, he could see the inquisition forming in her eyes, but he refused to get defencive.

"John? What were you doing waiting for me?"

He kept a bland look on his face, "Had a short banto session with Ronon, but then he had to go. Since I'm off duty," he shrugged, "Didn't really have anywhere else to be."

Elizabeth tried and failed to convince herself that she should lecture him. He had a right to be attached; she could remember what it had felt like when he'd come back from certain death.  If she'd had a chance, she would have stayed at *his* side. She reached up now and guided his smiling lips to hers for another quick kiss and then stepped back, taking a strengthening breath as he watched with a soft grin and then leading him into the corridors with a slow, tired walk.

####

A few hours cuddling, resting and catching Elizabeth up on the last of what she'd missed got rid of the painful edge that the morning had brought back to the surface for both of them. They'd stripped down to their underwear with carefully neutral casualness before snuggling under the covers, and Elizabeth had found the most soul-healing spot; laying on top of John, head on his chest, his body heat making the cocoon of blankets toasty warm, and most of all, his heartbeat in her ear. She could close her eyes and be as safe and content as imaginable. The fact that the arms he had around her held her just as over-tightly as she was clinging to him; that they could both feel the uncertainty and risk, was immaterial. For these moments, they were safe. The deeper they could dip into that feeling of security, the stronger they'd be to face any challenges.

They'd been silent for a few minutes since John had finished updating her and Elizabeth was starting to feel well enough for the itch to 'do something' to make its appearance at the back of her mind. "Do you think Colonel Carter would okay my helping with some translating?" her voice was soft in the quiet room, almost idle as the fingers of one hand lazily played with the coarse hair next to her face, feeling one of John's hands unconsciously mirror the movement in her hair.. or was she mirroring him?

"Probably," John tried to think objectively of his latest superior, finding his mental picture of her... faint. And twisted with the feelings of loss, anger and despair that had been his constant companions during their acquaintance. "She seems to be a lot less rule-bound than most military officers. How about we get some lunch and then I can talk to her." It wasn't until he finished speaking that he stiffened, realizing he'd blithely set himself up to have to let her out of his sight... So soon. Too soon. But then, it always *would* be.

Rather than let himself get worked up, he lifted her chin so he could reach her lips for a kiss that briefly threatened to get out of control. He only caught himself when her hands slid into his hair, completely distracting him. His lips slipped, barely thinking enough to mouth the skin under his now sloppy touch. Not even thinking enough to yet have the thought that he needed to build up some immunity to her petting...

Elizabeth just grinned, wondering when they were going to find their way to lovemaking; content to take care of John for now.

####

"It's like someone breathed new life into him."

Elizabeth had to lean close to hear Rodney's uncharacteristically low voice as John teased Ronon about impending fatherhood while Teyla looked on with a very approving smile; the five of them sitting at a table in the half-full cafeteria.

"Paws off, McKay."

She choked on her swallow of milk at John's very sudden change of victims, then slapped his shoulder for the implication, even as she tried to get her breath back, ignoring Teyla's laughter-hiding cough and Ronon's wicked grin.

Rodney just snorted with practised indifference, rolling his eyes as he went back to wolfing his food. At least until his nemesis got up to get another desert; then he leaned back in with a hesitant smile, "Thank you. He hasn't jabbed fun at me like that in two months," he grimaced at the memory of his too-silent, too-serious friend, for once allowing the affection he felt for John to show. He gave her a confiding look, "Actually, don't tell him, but... I kinda missed it..."

She grinned affectionately at him, "I wouldn't dream of it Rodney. It's our little secret."

####

"Colonel Sheppard, Ronon Dex, Dr. McKay; to the control room."

The call went up before they even got around to leaving their table. John looked up in annoyance, grumbling under his breath as he turned to Elizabeth, "So much for time off," nodding silently for her to come with him as he got up. Elizabeth shook her head, accepting again that he had no intention of leaving her alone one second earlier than he had to.

####

"*Why* am I staying behind?"

John looked at Elizabeth, standing next to Colonel Carter next to the jumper as he intercepted McKay at the door to the jumper bay, "Damn it, Rodney! I need someone I trust to watch over her."

Rodney's eyes widened in understanding, "You expect me to protect her from the military??"

"I don't think anyone can actually keep her safe Rodney, not even me. But I need to know someone's here to try."

The scientist nodded, getting a warm feeling from knowing Sheppard trusted him, "Okay. Of course. I'll.. do everything I can."

John put a hand on his shoulder, nodding gratefully, "Thanks, Rodney. Thank you."

Walking to Elizabeth, he restrained himself from doing more than squeezing her shoulder with a tight smile, feeling her hand cover his, seeing her return the smile reassuringly.

Sam watched McKay head back to the control room, resigned to the situation. Turning to the colonel, she caught his eye over Weir's shoulder, nonetheless trying again, "I *will* watch over her, colonel."

For once he looked like he almost believed her, then nodded and went into the jumper.

As the hatch closed up, John strapped himself in, looking back at Ronon and the marines already sitting ready. "Alright, lets get on with this, shall we?" He knew his voice was abrupt and grumpy. Listening to the mumbles of agreement and making himself go through his mental preflight, he stopped and concentrated hard on Atlantis, something he rarely did, sending Elizabeth's image and trying to convey the concept of keeping her safe, not letting anyone take her *away* from the city, terminally unsure of what use this was but needing to take every precaution.

He finally took a deep breath and harshly choked down the panic that she would be gone when he came back. That this would all somehow have been a dream. "Atlantis, dialling the gate." He started punching in the address.

"Roger that, colonel. Good luck."

His lips twisted, wishing it was a different voice, "Thanks, colonel."

####

In the control room, Sam watched Dr. Weir as the jumper manoeuvred through the 'gate. Looking for... something... Finding only controlled concern under a confident mask, seeing her automatically checking people and readouts as the 'gate shut down and everyone went back to their regular work.

"Do you want to have this job back?"

Elizabeth looked up in surprise at the blunt, unexpected question.

"Having me and McKay here is redundant as far as technological knowledge goes; for that matter it's worse because we clash so much. I'm amazed at how you and Sheppard seemed to keep him in line without killing him all these years. And Zelenka's capacity to deal with both his genius and his tantrums is nothing short of saintly. Not something I could ever copy. Even before I learned to put myself forward to work with the military." She grinned unrepentantly, "But as much as you guys have done wonders with him, I still can't stand to work with him. And Sheppard is more than capable of running the military here. So I'm not *needed* as either scientist *or* soldier."

Thinking especially of the colonel's behaviour the last few days, she added, "Your diplomacy and ability to get the best out of those men on the other hand, *are* needed."

Elizabeth was silent, trying to read if the other woman was serious or if this was another test. "Do you really think the military would ever trust me again, after being a prisoner of the replicators?" She might not *wholly* share John's unreasoning worry of being taken away by men in black at any moment, especially not on Atlantis, but she did have a good idea of the amount of distrust she would face the next time she spoke to anyone from Earth; and men in HAZMAT suits weren't a complete impossibility.

"...Heightmeyer made it clear they were using you as a mental punching bag out of revenge." Sam was silent. "Those damned machines always *were* quick to pick up the worst of human traits." She shrugged. "I finally managed to get a life on Earth, after all these years. I'm willing to fight to get it back. It's not as though I'm abandoning my post; you are far more appropriate to the job. The idiots just have to have that pounded into them."

Elizabeth grinned, the uncharacteristic words showing the influence of a playful, brown-eyed general in that 'life'. "Speaking of a life..."

Sam snorted, "I wouldn't worry, there aren't actually any rules for your case. If for no other reason than because this is all but a war zone, social customs from the Milky Way shouldn't really have a place here, don't you think? The two of you have documentedly had severe disagreements before and still ran the city. He had the balls to leave you behind when it was necessary. He *did* his job. And you are *both* the best people for these positions. Anyway, where you sleep is your own affair, no pun intended; what isn't expressly forbidden is *allowed*. I say if they wanted you celibate, they should have hired a nun. Or spelled it out in the contract." The steely look in the colonel's eyes didn't bode well for anyone planning to interfere with the easily misjudged blond. Elizabeth wondered if she'd get to watch the showdown... Or get a recording for John!

####

"Atlantis, this is Sheppard, permission to come through."

"IDC recognized, ma'am."

Sam nodded at the young man manning the console, "Shield down. You are cleared, colonel."

####

John continued to fight off the terror that had been growing with every minute away from Atlantis.

The actual rescue had been simple, which meant too much time had been spent doing nothing but thinking, whether waiting for the right moment to act or flying to and fro. All in all more than enough time for his mind to come up with a flood of scenarios; all ending with arriving on Atlantis to find Elizabeth *not there*. Dead, gone or never having returned. He'd kept his head, even kept his concentration, but his stomach was a frozen coil of dread as he guided the jumper through the horizon.

"Welcome back, colonel. Mission successful?" Colonel Carter's voice was calm and cheerful, putting paid to at least some of the fears. But it didn't actually set him at ease and his voice was tense, "Sure. Easy. Everybody safe and sound, nothing but a few scratches." It took stubborn will to keep from asking for Elizabeth, refusing to reopen the debate about trusting the colonel with her safety.

Sam's eyebrow rose at the stiff answer and silence; guessing easily enough what was going through the man's mind. "Report to the infirmary so Carson can agree with your diagnosis. Unless there's something we need to know, debrief can wait 'till morning."

"Nothing to declare colonel. We'll be there at 0800." As he landed the jumper and heard someone open the hatch, he was mumbling under his breath, trying to be as quiet as he could, "Come on come on come on. Just a few more things. They're just bad dreams, she was real. Everything's fine." His fingers flew over the controls, shutting everything down, strict discipline keeping him from reaching for his earpiece and getting McKay to tell him where she was right *now*.

Finally done, he jumped out of his seat, hand on the wall to swing his body over as he got up running. The by now empty jumper let him fly through unobstructed, his undue haste unseen. But reaching the hatch he froze for a second with a hand on the frame.

####

Elizabeth smiled at Ronon, walking up to the jumper as he disembarked, nodding to the marines and the discouraged scientists they were herding. Standing silently by as she heard John finishing up. Finally seeing him appear at the entrance and freeze, staring at her in almost shock. She frowned, seeing the signs of strain on his face, about to ask him what was wrong when he pushed himself away from the frame and covered the distance between them in a few steps, wrapping his arms tightly around her.

She held onto him, worried at his behaviour since she'd heard the call where he'd told Carter everything was fine. "John?"

He nodded, still gripping her tight, "I'm OK, I'm sorry. I just..." He took a deep breath, finally easing his grip, keeping his hands on her shoulders. He smiled, "I'd blame it on an overactive imagination, except every scenario I imagined was entirely possible by Pegasus standards."

Realizing what he was talking about, she stepped up to him, resting her forehead on his, not quite willing to kiss him in public, hearing workers on the platform around them. "I'm OK. You're going to have to start trusting people with my safety, you know."

He nodded, "I know. I'll work on it." He straightened, "You coming with me to the infirmary?"

"Yes."

Before he moved away he noticed the mic shadow on her jaw and his brows rose in surprise, "Hey, Carter gave you a communicator?"

"Ummhumm," she tried to dismiss his curiosity by making light of it, dragging him toward the doors.

####

By the time the doctor was done, it was way past supper time, so they stopped and got sandwiches to eat in private. John frowned as he realized Elizabeth had just taken a wrong turn, "Hey, where are we going?"

She looked back, tilting her head with a mysterious smile, "Don't you trust me?"

He blinked, frowning in confusion until he just shrugged, "Of course." He'd hoped to be out of his grimy clothe soon, but on the other hand, he *did* trust Elizabeth, and she had to be aware that he needed a wash, so...

A few more turns and she stopped in front of her old quarters and turned to him with a serious look. "John, about staying on Atlantis-"

He started shaking his head before she said another word, "Elizabeth, the only reason I stayed here was to look for you. Otherwise this place was just a bad reminder. I already told you, I'm not needed here. We can go back to Earth, just as soon as they-"

She stepped close to him, laying a finger across his lips to silence him. "I'm cleared. And these are my... our quarters." She frowned worriedly, still not positive she should have assumed that much, "I hope you don't mind I-"

Hands full with their food, he resorted to bending his head and *kissing* her quiet. Lifting his head and grinning, "You can stay?"

She laughed gently, opening the door with a wave, "Colonel Carter says that as far as she's concerned, I'm back in charge." She grinned at his wide-eyed look, waiting for the door to close before saying, "Did you ever hear rumours about her and General O'Neill?"

John blinked at the change in topic, reeling from the sudden relief that she was safe. At least as safe as Atlantis was. And he didn't have to leave, could continue in the job that he fit so well, continue to protect her. Shaking his head to get a grip as he dropped their supper on the nearby corner table, he answered slowly, "Yeah, I've caught a rumour or three. It always sounded like old news and no one really seemed to care after all this time."

Elizabeth nodded, "Well, I'd say they're true, at least now. And she's none too happy with being stuck out here. Says she's going to fight to make sure I get in." She grinned, "And if I know Jack O'Neill, it'll be a short battle. I don't imagine *he*'s been any too pleased with this latest sacrifice they've had to make. And they both get downright sneaky and mean when annoyed." By now they were both grinning madly. Carter and O'Neill might have been a rumour, but the general's temper was documented fact.

John started laughing, lifting her by the waist and spinning her, ending with a kiss, remembering their first kiss and grinning even more, thinking that this was one tradition he intended to continue at any excuse.

"So my clothes are around here somewhere?" He could see the door to the bathroom and was definitely looking forward to a shower and change before eating. And then sleep. With Elizabeth. In *their* bed. In *their* city.


AN: Well, that pretty much it. the next chapter will be a series of vignettes more than anything. I hope you enjoyed! and thanks charlie_blue that ma'am is just so wrong to my ears.. I keep trying to forget it...!


Chapter four:: Epilogue

Feb 2009


Elizabeth woke feeling warm and safe and very, very lazy, making her glad the clock said it was still early. 

When John had come out of the bathroom last night, all clean-smelling male, wet, spiked hair and happy grin, Elizabeth had been highly tempted to drag him straight to bed and prove to him just how 'ready' she was this time.  But she'd reminded herself that he was almost certainly hungry and had settled for the balcony where they sat, leaned together on cushions, ate and stared at the stars for an hour.  She'd taken the chance to quiz him for more specifics on missions that had happened since she'd left; now that she was going to be back in charge of Atlantis, she'd spent the day reading the full reports, but there were always bits that didn't make it anywhere they could be found.  And she didn't need any of those to come back and bite her.

When he'd started answering drowsily, she'd gently nudged him into bed and out of his clothe, seeing his eyes half-close as he lay down.  By the time she'd put the room to rights, he'd barely been awake enough to wrap himself around her.  As utterly heart-warming as it was to have John home in and snuffle into her neck as though he was programmed for her coordinates, Elizabeth wondered if she was going to have to make plans to seduce him deliberately.  Their schedules were only going to get worse once she was officially in charge.. she'd have to see what tomorrow brought.

She'd fallen asleep stroking the wrists crossed over her belly and fantasizing about what the body breathing tight to her back would feel like under her fingertips, drowsing in mild arousal and glad enough for the very human sensation.

But then, as all good things do, her run of good luck avoiding nightmares had ended and she'd woken up in the middle of the night, chilled, screaming and thrashing, certain she was back in Asuran hands.  She remembered pain and she knew that any reality was a lie waiting to be turned against her, the arms trying to grab her, the voice trying to fool her into not resisting; all lies!  But she refused to give in easily this time; there were thoughts too close to the surface today that she refused to give them, she had to protect!  Had to!

And the reality they'd thrown her in this time was terrifying in what it showed she'd let through already, making her fight tooth and nail to get free.  It was easier to empty her mind if she could run; that she knew it was all false sensation was irrelevant, her mind fell for it and she had to take the chance that that offered.

"Elizabeth! No!  This is real!  Remember?  Atlantis.. warmth!"

It hurt so much to hear his voice, if she could have closed her ears she would have, but she was too busy fighting his desperate hold on her.

"'Lizabeth. Warmth. Please give me a chance.  Feel how warm you are.  You're safe, I swear to you, Elizabeth, I swear I'm real and you're safe and home and I love you, please listen to me, please, feel how warm you are. Warm warm warm-"

She was weakening, running out of energy to fight, and the litany started burrowing through her panic.  Just for one second she allowed herself to wonder.. and then she felt it, the blazing heat from John's body, wrapped around her like steel shackles.  Keeping her prisoner, yes, but keeping her safe.  Warmth.. therefor.. real?

When she relaxed, he stopped repeating himself and she felt some of his tension vanish, though he still held her as he muttered into her hair, "Thank god.  Elizabeth?"

She turned her head, trying to see through the tears clouding her eyes, "John?"  She was warm.  Those thoughts.. they were memories.  She was home, she and John were together.  This was the real John, releasing her so she could turn in his arms, reaching for the blankets she'd lost in the night, wiping the tears from her cheeks gently.  Trying to smile through his worry as he pulled her body close to his with a hand in her mid-back until the shirt he'd given her the other night was crinkled up tightly between them.  With her pulse calming and his warmth back around her, Elizabeth lay very still, staring into his eyes, not quite sure where to lay her hands as her body stayed hyper-aware, still reacting to fight-or-flight.

"You okay?"

She smiled at the quiet words; as the last few days settled back in her thoughts, she couldn't help but notice again that they were taking care of *each other*.  She didn't feel like the weak woman he had to watch out for, but neither was she the leader who had to always have the upper hand, always have her public face on.  It was beyond pleasure to simply be *Elizabeth*, for good or ill; during Scrabble and during nightmares.

"Yes."  Suddenly an instant of the last few minutes came back to her and she grinned, the last of the fear swamped under delight, laying her hands on his bare, warm pecs and sliding them up to his shoulders, then his neck, feeling him shiver as she watched his uncertain expression.  Yes, she knew he probably would rather their first time not be started by a nightmare.  As her palms finished their trip and molded to his jaw, Elizabeth leaned in, whispering against his lips, her eyes wide open to watch his reaction, "I love you too John."

Their lips brushed as his mouth dropped open and she grinned, feeling them slide past each other again, feeling the adrenaline of her struggle still lighting her senses.  Tingling awareness arching down her body that she wanted this man, that with just her hands stroking him, she could feel his body stiffening against her.  His breath started to pant lightly on her lips, heightening the sensation, heightening the pleasure of seeing his eyes dilate, "And I wanted to seduce you earlier, except you fell asleep on me... you aren't going to play hard to get now.. are you John?"

Slow and tender loving had been followed by holding each other tightly and chatting idly until sleep drugged its way in and captured them.  And now a new morning was just barely breaking over Atlantis and Elizabeth stretched slowly, not wanting to dislodge the man still holding her loosely.  Nonetheless, John grunted in complaint, pulling her close before he was even awake.  This time the snuffling into her neck made Elizabeth grin happily, her skin shivering in memory and even happier with the hands that explored her naked body now.

"Why are you trying to escape me?"

She shuddered at the gravely tease, listening to him clear his throat self-consciously as she wriggled until he let her turn around so she could smirk at him properly, ignoring the hands dropping to massage her ass, "John Sheppard, you are very possessive in your sleep," she kissed the very scratchy corner of his mouth, "I *was* simply stretching," this time she got the side of his nose, aware that he was smiling widely, "Now, however, I *do* need to get up.  A little thing called work.  And.. so do you.  0800, wasn't it?"

When she pulled back, he still watched her, relaxed and happy.  She didn't doubt he'd be perfectly content to lay there all day, but they did need to get to work, even if that included his watching her like this over the briefing table.  And, well, *she* wasn't exactly moving quickly either.  Her fingers had somehow ended up stroking back and forth over the bristles covering his neck, a part of her fascinated with the touch of something so male.  She saw the clock turn to the hour out the corner of her eye and made herself get going, sliding the hand onto his scalp to tunnel through his hair, as soothed herself watching his eyes slam shut and his body slump as she knew he was.  She only allowed them a couple minutes of it before she gave him a last kiss on the tip of his nose and gently pulled her hand away.  Pulled her whole body away, petting his calf as he grumbled again.

It was strange to walk around her old bedroom, feeling sore and muggy from midnight lovemaking, with John snoozing in her chaotic bed covers.  Strange.. but made of a heavy dose of heaven.

####

John stopped on his way to running some recruits through their paces when he saw his second in command down a cross-corridor, wondering when he'd gotten back for Elizabeth not to have had time to let him know, "Lorne!"

The major hardly had time to turn before getting bear-hugged by his usually restrained colonel.  Evan wondered for a second if he'd made it back just in time to have to deal with some strange new alien infection, but then the man's rushed words clarified the behaviour.

"I owe you. Anything in my power, you just say the word, man."

The major just grinned back bashfully, quickly putting in a hint to help his hastily revived betting pool, "An invitation to the wedding'll do fine, sir."

Sheppard huffed, the wide grin shifting to a half-shy, half-hopeful; wholly happy smile, "I'll see what I can do, major."

Evan, watching him run to get to wherever he'd been going, was damned glad he'd come across that stray piece of intel just over a week ago; and had had the faith left to follow it up.  His boss looked like he was a lot more fun to be around these days...  Too bad Evan'd had to head out on another mission right after dropping the doc off, he bet this had been an interesting period to be a spectator to... Damn he needed to get his hands on Radek and get the low-down!

####

"Teyla, you ever see anything like this?"

Teyla looked up from her terminal with a jerk as her agitated friend thrust a pad with the picture of some unfamiliar flowering bush under her nose.  Taking a few moments to give it due consideration, she couldn't find anything at all to recognize, looking up at John with a quizzical look for the interruption, "No. Why?"

"Damn.  Nothing."

She tilted her head in curiosity as he mumbled, walking away with a dispirited droop to his shoulders.  Now whatever had that been about?  After nearly two weeks, he and Dr. Weir seemed to have settled into a positive relationship.  There were still moments when she had to bite her lip to avoid laughing at their 'newlywed' behaviour, but at least meetings were mostly back to normal.  She certainly hoped they hadn't now found a way to have their first argument... All of Atlantis was wary, waiting for *that* to happen.  Teyla and the rest of the command team were reasonably confident the two leaders would be wise about it, however, there was always a chance that their friends would have to intercede; and so they were all watching for any warning signs.

####

"Damned McKay insists that this eclipse is going to trigger something in the ancient device that he just *has* to see, and of course he wants me along to make sure the gene makes the device cooperate-"

"*Yes* John.  I am aware of this.  But why did you come to see me?"  Teyla had *tried* to keep her patience, but not only was John being particularly childish today, but her own child was making her feel both ill and far too discontented to remain even-tempered any longer.

The colonel stepped back in a very satisfactory manner, giving her a wary look she'd also caught from Ronon a few times lately, "Err, these things.." he flashed his tablet under her nose again, "You're sure they don't smell bad? Or have some evil devil-bugs or-"

"John! It is what our boys use during courting!"  Which she'd *told* him-

Apparently finally convinced, he brightened up and started to trot out before throwing her a smirk, "And what do your men use?"

Getting a cheering picture of her recent courtship, she yelled back, beginning to grin as her mood passed, "They lay their fighting sticks at our feet!"

####

"Delivery for Dr. Weir."

Elizabeth looked up as one of the marines, dressed in civilian clothe, stopped in her doorway. Her brows rose in surprise, "Corporal?"

He handed over the bouquet he carried and a letter, then threw her a snappy salute, backing away with a smile, "Happy Valentine's day, doctor."

"Valentine's day?" She stopped and did the math, finally shaking her head with a smile of her own, studiously ignoring the attention she could feel through the glass walls from everyone in the control room. She grabbed the vase he'd given her years before -and she had no doubt as to the identity of her valentine- and put the lovely red flowers into it, sitting back and looking at them affectionately as she opened the note. All it said was,

Signed, Sealed, Delivered
I'm yours
John Sheppard

She pulled one of the obviously native flowers to her nose, idly wondering who went out and picked them.

####

"-*Last* time Rodney!"  She could hear him grumping at the scientist as they walked through the event horizon.

John looked up to Elizabeth's lookout the moment he was through, recognizing the flower she was tucking behind her ear with a wide grin, "I'm home."

"Yes. You are colonel."  Elizabeth didn't go down to meet him, though she wanted to; badly.  But they were walking a thin line with their positions and their superiors.  He was home and he was safe. "Debrief in 20." She could wait 20 minutes for him to lose his gear. 

And Rodney could turn his head if he didn't want to see them hug a little tighter and longer than a boss should hug a subordinate.

####

"Damn it John, we are *not* getting married." Elizabeth's arms were suspiciously still though, and her tone more anguished and angry.  Or even convinced for that matter.

John shook his head, refusing to be hurt by the illogical reaction and wishing they were home so he could simply grab her and hold her and kiss her until she started making sense again, in the meantime though, "Oh yes, we are!"

McKay was the first to get his voice back, "Did she say 'married'?"

Teyla grinned, looking forward to seeing her friends' ceremony, "Yes, she did."

Ronon contented himself with smirking with his arm around her waist, listening to the couple continuing to argue down the hallway.

"Look, we already *live* together!  What-"  They were just in sight of their quarters and John was eagerly watching that door open -as he'd asked Atlantis to do for him- when Elizabeth really threw him off the loop.

"I can't have children!"

Freezing for a second, he finally responded with a raw whisper, "Elizabeth."  The anguish in her voice and the instant of grief he felt at the words were sharp, but that she thought it could affect how he felt about her, *or* his wish to marry her-

She looked away from him sadly, "If you ever want kids-"

It took precious seconds to make the strategic decision to bypass any attempt to argue *why*, a luxury which he only allowed himself because he was guiding her into the privacy of their home.

It wasn't often that Elizabeth behaved as maddeningly as the stereotypical 'woman', but this time around, he was actually learning to deal with it.  On bad days, he blamed that on the Pegasus galaxy forcing him to learn a simile of diplomacy; the rest of the time, he figured Elizabeth had been training him to be a better husband since they'd met.  Either way, it didn't matter why she thought she couldn't have kids, it mattered that she thought such a fact somehow related to their getting married.  And it mattered that he not be silent more than a single movement if he wanted to avoid exponentially worse illogic until he either spat out a surprise verbal diamond or managed to sneak in some seductive moves and brought them back in sync *that* way.

But it was safest to just avoid silent responses, so, "Kids?  What would we do with a kid on Atlantis, anyway?  *You* are what I want.  We'll probably find some abandoned pack of Pegasus youngsters someday, in need of a home, and if you want, we'll adopt the lot, for chriss' sake!"  With the door safely closed behind them, he raised his hands to cup her cheeks before she could move away from him, kissing her forehead, nose and lips as he whispered,  "I just, want, *you*."

####

"I have every intention of loving you for every day that I have left."

Teyla watched Elizabeth respond to the huskily-spoken words and remembered her own bonding day.  Saw the Atlantean leader's eyes, wide and shinning, her lips biting back a tremble, smiling as she pulled her new husband into a deep kiss, ignoring the cheering audience of soldiers and scientists.

As she pulled away from him enough to speak, leaning her forehead to his, John felt her breath catching as though she'd been crying, the stutter only adding to the effect her heartfelt whisper had on him, "I love you; so much, John Sheppard. I will never let you doubt that."

Sequel: How to turn the lights ON


Back to Fanfic
Back to The Canadian Wanderer's homepage

                                                                    Reviews? or use this form :D


   [Optional] your name:   [Optional] your email:

  Would read this fic every day :D
  Would recommend it
  Have/will save it to disk
  Good                                                                  
  ok
  Readable                               
  Boring
  Annoying
Other: