Thick as Ravens

Thick as Ravens

Author: wanderingsmith & Bofursunboundbraids
aug 2014
Summary: To: King Dáin Ironfoot; Iron Hills+
Dragon dead.
Mountain reclaimed.
You're Welcome.
Yeah. You Heard Me.

-yeah, it's cracky ;)
Rating: PG13
Disclaimer: I ain't got no money, and nobody'd be daft enough to pay me for this. As it is thought, so let it be said; you make the toys, I play with 'em.

AN: Written back and forth with Bofursunboundbraids

Goto Chapter 2

Chapter one

---------------------------------

To: King Dáin Ironfoot; Iron Hills+

Dragon dead.
Mountain reclaimed.
You're Welcome.
Yeah. You Heard Me.
Got Elf Trouble.
Get Down Here. Stat.
Brings Friends
Bring Food.
Don't Forget Ale.
And lots of it.
Got Party Planned.

Thorin II Oakenshield, King Under the Mountain; Erebor+

PS Hobbit Says Bring Medics.
And Bandages.

--------------------------------

To: King Cousin; Erebor+

Sure About Dragon?
Have You Found Stone?
Screw You. And Dwalin.
Where Hide Ania's Axe?
Save Some Point Ears.
Two Brigades. With Rams.
Food. Check.
Mead. Check.
You Better Have Bling.
What Hobbit Have To Do With You?

Lawfully Appointed King Dáin; Iron Hills+

--------------------------------

To: Lesser son of Durin Dáin; Iron Hills+

Dragon tastes like chicken.
What does stone have to do with you?
You'd be so lucky.
Dwalin seconds that.
Why hide wife's axe?
Ready to play stick the sword in elf.
Brigades Rams Food Mead Good.
Got Bling.
Hobbit none of your concern.
Just do what he says.

Divinely appointed King Thorin; Erebor+

--------------------------------

To: Grandson of Mad King; Erebor+

Wife Packed Sauce.
Don't Make Idiocy Obvious.
Ania Had Backups BTW.
She Says Hello Dwalin.
Laketown Join Sticking?
Foolish Line Of Durin Still Find gold.
Oh Oh. Wife Likes Hobbits too.
HE Says? Who Has Stone?

Appointed by Actual Dwarrows King Dáin; Erebor ETA Five Days+

PS Your Raven Tired. Replacing With Ania's.

--------------------------------

To: Didn't Your Grandfather Take A Goat For A Mistress Dáin; Iron Hills+

Ketchup Isn't Sauce.
You Started It
Idiot Husband Always Forgetting Where Axe Hid.
Dwalin Says Tell Ania He'll Never Forget That Night.
Laketown Men Can Kiss My Vast Amounts of Gold.
Oh Wait. No They Can't.
Ania Is Not Invited.
My Stones Are None Of Your Concern.

Wearing Gold and Onyx Armour That Will Make You Cry Real Tears Thorin; Erebor, Sindarin for Rich Bitch.+

PS Wife's Raven Dead. Replacing With 2931 Model. Gets Better Rodent Mileage.
PPS Five Days. Must Be Sightseeing. Don't Hurry Or Anything.

--------------------------------

To: Did anyone ever explain why your father and grandfather hate Thranduil Second Thorin; Erebor+

Don't you worry about the spice in my sauce. And no it ain't red.
Ania says if he starts running now she is willing to let him live.
For a while. Her axes are hungry.
I know exactly where my axe is.
Then you have to send yours away. Not with mine.
Ania is forcing me to write she'll take him and go. You're dead cousins.
So you and me and my rams against yo daddy and the lakers?
Are YOU concerned about your stones?
Stop fondling the gold. Don't want your cooties.
Always so worried about your looks.
Your Sindarin is worse than your Khuzdul. Which is saying a lot.
Where have you been? I got home 4 months ago.
You lost in shire? Hobbit distract you?
The rodents must be what made that excuse for a raven taste good in sandwiches.

The real dwarrows; I can see your mirror from here+

PS you missed a spot

--------------------------------

This message can be found in a dark corner of Erebor's rookery.

To: You Must Be Getting Near Cuz I Can Feel The Heat Of Your Jealousy From Here Dork; somewhere NE of Best Kingdom™+

Your Jealousy Is Really Unbecoming.
Your Sauce...Awww! Sick Dude! That's...Nasty.
You Kiss Your Wife With That Mouth?
Dwalin Says He Understands. It Was Good While It Lasted.
Not Talking About The One You Were Born With. Dork.
Writing Decree Naming Space Around My Hobbit As A "Dáin's Predatory Wife" Free Zone.
Confuse My Blessed Father With That Moose Shagging Buttercup One More Time So Help Me.
My Stones Are Very Well Cared For Thank You Very Much.
Cooties? Srsly? Are We Stooping To That Level? I Am So Disappointed.
Worried? You Must Mean Consistently Delighted. I Make 195 Look Good.
Dwalin, What's Khuzdul For Erebor Rules Iron Hills Drools?
Hey! I Have Other Strengths. Like Reclaiming Kingdoms.
Oh Snap!
Not Distracted. Or Confused By Shire Road Signs.
Not At All. Dist. Trac. Ted. What? Okay. Luv U Babe.
Sorry. What Were We...
Wow. Raven Tastes Like An Orc's Knickers. Your Wife's Cooking Must Be Terrible.
My Hobbit Can Give Her Some Pointers While You're Here.
She Has Other Strengths. One Other Apparently. Awww Yeah Dwalin Fist Bump Bro!
You Owe Me a Raven. Loser Dork.

Real Dwarrows Don't Drown In Their Own Mediocrity; I'll Give You An Autographed Picture+

PS You Mean This Spot?

--------------------------------

To: King Dáin; On The Road To Erebor.+

Thorin Currently Unavailable.
This Is The Hobbit.
We Look Forward To Your Arrival.
I Hope You've Brought Your Lovely Wife.
I Apologize For The King's Behaviour.
It's A Good Thing He's So Pretty.
And His Other Attribute.
No Dwalin I Do Not Care To Fist Bump You.
Stones And Gold Are Cootie Free.
What In Yavanna's Name Is A Cootie?
Let's Leave The Ravens Out Of Future Petty Squabbles Thank You Very Much.
Am Praying That The Answer To Thick Headed Dwarf Problem Is More Of Them.

Bilbo Baggins, Only Sane One In This Asylum; Dusty Musty Erebor+

--------------------------------

To: The Delightfully Well-Spoken King Bilbo; Erebor+

I Hope He Won't Be Tied Up Too Long.
Mine Will Get Antsy Without Play friends.
Oh Yes This Is Ania. I've Had Dáin's Messages Flown To Me.
I'd Rather He Not Start War With Neighbours.
Even Pretty Neighbour.
Other Attribute Would Be More Useful If They Stopped Using It To Think.
We Should Be There Shortly. I Look Forward To Meeting You.
I Have Quartermasters Ready To Set Up Per Old Maps Of Erebor.
Reputation Of Stone Makes Me Wary.
I Have Forbidden Dáin Access To Raven.
Cooties Are What The Loser Of Size Competitions Get. Or Is It Have?
Afraid That Prayer Is Quite Doomed. Alcohol Works For The Pain.
I Brought Lovely Drink From Rye. Safeguards Sanity.

Queen Ania; We Will Serve You Supper Tomorrow Night+

--------------------------------

To: The Delightfully Sane Queen Ania; On Approach+

Oh My Goodness Your Majesty. I Am But A Hobbit.
The King Will Remain Otherwise Occupied Until He Learns To Play Well With Others.
I See The Durin Apple Does Not Fall Far From The Tree.
You Have My Most Sincere Sympathy.
We All Prefer Peace. Despite Outward Appearances.
I Keep Telling Thorin To Use His Bigger Head. This Seems To Just Confuse Him.
We Are Preparing For Your Arrival.
170 Years Of Dragon Habitation Has Left An Unfortunate Tang In The Air.
The Stone Is Hidden Away.
What Thorin Doesn't Know Won't Get Him Locked In His Room For His Own Safety.
Had To Stop Thorin From Going To Rookery With Picture Of Dáin And The Word "Attack" Written Below.
I Have Never Seen A Cootie So I Cannot Say.
Unless It's Five Feet Tall And Sports Tattoos On Its Bald Head.
A Cache of 200 Year Old Brandy Bottles Has Been Located. I'll Share Mine If You Share Yours.
Sanity Will Be A Nice Change Of Pace Around Here.

Simply Bilbo, At Your Service; Erebor+

You Have No Idea How Wonderful The Idea Of Dinner Is!

Chapter Two

--- Half hour ram walk from Erebor --

"Ania, ghivashel, this is no longer amusing. Let me out. This is not how a king greets his allies!"

"What was not amusing was the lewd response you were about to send that poor gentle-hobbit. I will let you out once Bilbo and I have settled things so that the two of you hotheads cannot make a mess of it; or we will lock you up with the other problems."

"Your majesty. An emissary from Erebor."

"Balin! How lovely to see you again!"

"And you, Ania. And may I say I'm pleased at the number of friends you brought? We've just received unfortunate news."

"Yes, I suspect our spies have seen the same thing. Is your hobbit as delightful as he writes?"

"He is a surprisingly brave little fellow; most kind. And thankfully quite firm with Thorin. Hello Dáin, glad you could join us."

"Get me out of here, cousin."

"Ahhh, I don't think that would be wise of me. I suspect Bilbo would be quite as cross with me as you lovely wife. And I see her axes are as sharp as ever."

"That they are, cousin. How IS Dwalin?"

"Under firm orders from Bilbo to apologize as soon as he sees you for, I quote, 'everything that would make her majesty anything but fully pleased'. He is withholding the Brandy until you indicate that you are satisfied."

"How nice- Oh dear. That is... quite a lot of rubble."

"It is. And rather large rubble. Quite challenging to dwarf-handle. And there is more inside. I'm afraid quartering in tents will be more pleasant than inside."

"Not a problem. And I had my people prepare some snacks that can be eaten without preparation as soon as we arrive. Bilbo sounded quite tired of whatever you've been subsiding on."

"He is, your majesty. Also of listening to the rest of us moan about same."

-- Just inside the Gallery of Kings --

"Do you remember what it was I told you?"

"Do not speak unless I can keep a civil tongue in my head."

"Very good. See? You can be taught."

"I don't understand why I am being punished. He started this nonsense!"

"I'm not really interested in who started it. What I do know is you participated in it. And you saw fit to drag Dwalin into it as well."

"Just relieving some stress, is all. This quest has been trying."

"HA! Tell me about it! Now, when the King and Queen of the Iron Hills arrive you will greet them with all of the grace as befits their station...and yours."

"Only if Dáin will too."

"Can you for once, please, take the high road on this?"

"Mister Bilbo!"

"Yes, Ori?"

"Mister Dwalin is wondering if he can come out. He says he'll behave."

"Uhm..no...afraid not Ori. I think it wise to keep the two children apart..."

"CHILDREN! Why I...OWWW!"

"Like I was saying, Ori, I think it best if Queen Ania only has to deal with one troublemaker at a time. Remember, she also has her husband to contend with."

"Aw...I see. Uhm...Mister Bilbo?"

"Yes, Ori."

"Shouldn't you be letting go of Thorin's ear? There are tears...streaming down his...face...his face. I'll be going now."

"Such a nice lad, Ori. I hope Dwalin isn't a bad influence on him. It takes a stiff neck to handle you Durins."

"And it takes a Durin to handle a stiff co..."

"Do you want to join Dwalin? Because that can happen? Get that ridiculous grin off of your face."

"CONVOY APPROACHES!"

"Thank you, Fíli! Did you hear that? Your cousin and his lovely wife...yes, she is lovely! They will be here any minute. You are a king, so act like one. And they're feeding us. Real food! So, please...for me."

"Your desire is mine, ghivashel."

"Stop it...you....delicious oaf. Stand up...they're coming."

-- Just beyond the rubble field before Erebor's gates --

"My word! Actual rams! Armoured! No wonder you thought you could defeat the elves!"

"Aye. Good dwarven cavalry. We'll ram that pointy-eared bastard's moose until he understands to never again meddle with- owwww!"

"You promised to keep a civil mouth while in public. One more comment about the pointy-eared bastard and Dori here will lock you up with Dwalin, won't you Dori?"

"Certainly, Mister Bilbo. No problem at all. My, Queen Ania's surcoat is a most becoming pattern, don't you think so, lad?"

"Yes. Yes it is, Dori. -Thorin! Behave!- I'll make sure to get the name of her seamstress for you."

"Oh! You don't have to do that, Mister Bilbo! I'm sure you'll have much more important subjects to discuss."

"Yes, we do. But there is always time for the civilized things in life. Is this foolish armour straight? Thorin! Put that coat back on! It is freezing and that armour of yours does NOT keep cold WIND out of you. At least that admittedly ugly coat of the Master's shields some of the joints in that metal."

-- 10 minutes from edge of rubble field --

"My word! The poor fellow.. I'm quite certain he never chose such an outfit for himself! What have you savages done to him?"

"Is he holding Thorin's ear??"

"Um. Thorin must have misbehaved again. Bilbo says it's the only way to keep hobbitlings in line, and he finds it works well with dwarf-kings as well."

"Owwwww!! No! I haven't *done* anything!"

"We all know you were *planning* to. The hobbit has the right idea. Preemptive line-drawing is the best policy with you lot."

"Stop laughing, cous- ow!"

"Oh *do* stop crying. I'm hardly twisting at all. Just be polite to the neighbours. What was that?"

"Nothing. I love you, ghivashel."

"And I love you too. Idiot."

-- Edge of the rubble field --

"Thorin!"

"What? Oh...HAIL Dáin, KING AND QUEEN ANIA, EREBOR WELCOMES YOU!"

"It had better considering what it took to get he...AHHH!"

"We are honoured, Thorin, King Under the Mountain. It is good to see you, cousin."

"You are looking...surprisingly well, Ania. May I introduce you to my companion, Master Bilbo Baggins."

"Companion? Is that what they're calling it these days?"

"Go sit in the carriage."

"No I will not! I am king here, woman!"

"GO. SIT. IN. THE CARRIAGE."

"This meeting is all my pleasure, your majesty, and I am at your service. And thank you for showing our guests in, Balin."

"My goodness, Thorin, you got yourself one with manners. You were smart to wait. Mother always said I married too young.

"Your mother was a stone crushing shrew!"

"I'm going to ignore you from now on, my treasure. Now, Mister Baggins, please call me Ania, for I believe we will be fast friends."

"Ania....what a beautiful name. And I am simply Bilbo."

"Well, Bilbo, how about a glass of that Brandy you made mention of?"

"That's my Brandy!!"

"There's room in the carriage, Bilbo."

"Thank you, Ania, that's very helpful. Thorin..."

"I will not be treated like an overgrown child in my own kingdom! I...FINE!"

"Now tell me, Bilbo, how is Dwalin?"

"He is well and looking forward to seeing you."

"As I am him..."

-- Inside a carriage on the edge of the rubble field --

"Ania? Ania?! Oh...blast! This is all your fault."

"How is your idiocy my fault?"

"Well, if you could manage a couple elves, I wouldn't even have to be here."

"Oh really? You wouldn't be here to claim some treasure for yourself?"

"Hmmph!"

"Nice comeback...such witty repartee!"

"Oh shut up, Thorin!"

"Make me!"

And what happened next would go down in the annals of the two kingdoms. A battle was fought and a carriage was sanctified by the blood from two bruised noses and a split upper lip. And afterwards it was decided there was no victor and both parties retreated into the cool darkness of the mountain, wounded and contrite.

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