Secrets
Author: wanderingsmith
Started feb 19, 2015 - latest update apr
11, 2015 -
Summary: " *You're* the one that went and
got married, Lee."
Rating: PG13
Disclaimer: I ain't got no money, and nobody'd
be daft enough to pay me for this. As it is thought,
so let it be said; you make the toys, I play with
'em..
AN: I'm being good! *posting* done scenes
..this one leaves you wanting, doesn't it?
..and thence the disadvantage of posting scenes that
are done and sitting there
who knows. maybe I'll guilt myself into
thinking/reasoning my way to more of it (especially
if Hulk continues to be stubborn!!)
Goto Chapter 2
Chapter
one
feb
19, 2015
The kids had moved on to the pool tables. The old gang
plus Galgo and Doc had laid claim to a section of the
quieting pub's tables, and spread out. Toll and Caesar
throwing cards around in some desultory game as they
chatted. Gunner and Doc having some sort of
half-threatening half-serious conversation that must
revolve around knives, considering the number of them
they'd pulled off their bodies in the last half-hour.
Galgo was somewhere between the two tables. Sometimes
throwing comments in, sometimes staring in awe at the
knife pile.
And Lee had picked a chair with its back to the wall,
away from all of them, set on picking a poison to buy
on the way home. He didn't want something he liked; he
wasn't looking for enjoyment. Didn't want something
sweet, not after last time. Tequila and sambuca were
out; bad things twisted in his head with that shit.
When Barney wordlessly pulled a chair within elbow's
reach of him, he tried not to react. He wanted to go
back to being friends. He did. But- "What's a good
liquor to get shitfaced with?"
The idle question made Barney choke on his swallow of
beer, giving Lee a queer, kinda sad satisfaction.
"Since when don't you know any liquor??"
"Didn't say I didn't know any. Just trying to pick a
different one." Hearing Luna's higher voice give a
victory cheer, Lee took the excuse to keep his eyes on
what he could see of the kids around the table, rather
than deal with the man next to him.
"There's grappa."
Lee frowned in thought, then reluctantly turned his
head, though he didn't try to meet Barney's eyes,
"Grappa.. wine?"
"Distilled wine, yeah. 40%."
"Uh."
"D'you really think I deliberately keep secrets?"
The question caught Lee off guard and he focused on
familiar eyes before he remembered he didn't want to
deal with this. And then the half-hidden grief he saw
did just as he'd known it would and he was tilting to
bump his shoulder against Barney's without a thought.
"Sure you do. Old bad habits. We all have them."
He made damn sure to get his eyes back out toward the
far bar, letting them unfocus. If he really tried, he
could almost catch Caesar's words. And Doc's. Gunner's
were too low and Toll too quiet to make it over the
background without amplifiers. Annoying. He used to be
able to get low voices farther away than Gunner sat.
..Probably not in the last decade, but still-
"I don't mean to keep things from you."
That miserable mumble was perfectly clear, though.
" 'Course you do. Always had a hell of a time getting
you to tell me what the fuck you were thinking at the
best of times." It was almost weird to realize just
how little that had ever really bothered him, before.
Until the information being kept back was plans to
bring back some old friend of Barney's. That had...
nicked at old insecurities. It wore at a person to
never be enough for anyone, in any area of his life.
He'd just never been the guy who could accept being
pushed aside without whining. Not that it ever got him
back what he'd lost.
Well this time he'd learned. Lee Christmas was alone
and meant to be. He'd fucking get used to it.
Speaking of that plan. Time to go. Now where was the
nearest liq-
Barney's steel grip on his forearm anchored his ass to
his chair before he could move and Lee's eyes flew to
him in surprise. He'd half forgotten he was really
there...
The rock-hard clench in Barney's jaw and the glare on
his face would have probably scared most people into
thinking he was dangerously furious.
Lee read fear.
"If you're so used to and okay with my forgetting to
say shit, why the hell did breaking out Doc make you
so damn angry?"
Before Lee could come up with a comeback to the
forceful growl, Gunner spoke up at normal volume from
behind him. " 'Cause he's used to being your best pal
and you were going to break out one who'd presumably
been that before." By then Lee had turned to him with
a snarl, though he couldn't jump on him with Barney
still gripping his arm.
Gunner just shook his head at him; *sadly*, of all
things! "You need counselling, Christmas."
Well shit. Lee just stared at him. Gunner. Sending
*him* to counselling. The fuck was wrong with this
*fucking* world??
"Hey, Christmas."
If Lee's arm hadn't still been shackled, he was pretty
sure he'd have started a brawl at that point. Gunner
was one thing, but if that fucking bayou-crawling-
"Quit trying to make me explode with the laser-look."
For once Doc's eyes met his without humour, "I'm not
interested in being Barney's keeper. I just want
clear, and decent, marching orders, and money in my
bank account. You want to be stuck with him between
missions, Gunner's right: you *do* need counselling."
Doc shrugged, ignoring Lee's gapping mouth, the
table-banging roars from Toll and Caesar, and Barney's
half-hearted grumbles of mock-hurt.
"Fucking clowns."
Lee nodded agreement at the sigh. And didn't fight
when Barney got up and pulled him along.
When they stepped outside the pub, there was only the
team's bikes left, and no one else around. Barney went
to lean on the wall rather than head home, his hand
already in his breast pocket in a familiar move for a
cigar, and Lee almost stuck to his plan to get to the
nearest open liquor store. Almost.
"You can ask me anything. I don't plan to keep shit
from you. And the only other old *close* pal I *ever*
had is Tool."
Fuck.
He managed to resists the pull for the minute it took
the smoke to reach him, standing halfway to the
Ducati. The first sweet whiff kicked him into movement
and the next thing he knew the wall was at his back
and there was a smoke-haze between him and the night.
" *You're* the one that went and got married, Lee."
Lee snorted, though softly: it had taken him a few
weeks, but once the divorce was final and he could
focus again, he'd eventually picked up on the fact
that Barney really had been.. something like hurt at
his going through with that futile effort to pretend
that he could have a normal life.
"Not the same."
"Sure it is. If she'd resisted cheating, she'd have
sooner or later pulled you away from us."
Frowning at the strange thought, Lee threw a look
besides him, catching Barney with his head back on the
wall and eyes closed, grief twisting at his features.
Looking forward again, Lee asked quietly, "You said I
could ask you anything."
"Yeah."
He stepped away from the wall to face Barney's
now-wary expression, "Why'd you cut us, cut *me*,
out?"
He more than halfway expected to get stonewalled. Or
brushed-off.
Instead, Barney took a long drag, and then answered in
a steady tone, eyes locked with his and obviously
trying to be emotionless. Though not doing it good
enough to pass Lee's radar. "If he just wanted to
escape he could have killed *me*. Stonebanks hit
Caesar to make me *pay*." Lee's eye widened, starting
to suspect- "If he'd had time to watch us-" Barney
looked away for a second, jaw tightening before he
looked like he forced it open enough to speak, "If
he'd seen us together-"
Lee closed the three steps between then and laid his
hand on Barney's shoulder.
And Barney turned back toward him, though he wouldn't
meet his eyes, his voice low and dead and the cigar
hanging forgotten from drooping arms, "You'd be dead."
Okay. Yeah. He supposed he could get that.
He'd have tried to run Barney off from that too.
Chapter
two
apr
11, 2015
Barney's defeated stance wasn't something he could take
without reacting. Lee ended up back with his back to the
wall, shoulder tight against Barney's.
"Why are you drinking more'n Gunner, Lee." The question
was muttered without inflection; thread of fear in it
saying Barney knew the answer and dreaded it.
" 's almost funny, but... hearing you say it's over hurt
more than Lacy kicking me out."
"Lee..."
He shrugged, "I can get why you did it, now." But it
didn't really change anything. He was still alone. Still
only realized after it was ripped away that he'd found
something to want more than anything in his life in
their friendship.
"Just wanted you safe."
Lee shrugged again. "Only place that's safe is death."
It was going to take time to dull out the needy pain
crying out for their old closeness. Maybe even for more;
whatever chance of that there'd ever been. But the job
was worth it. His remaining friends were worth fighting
that pain for.
He could see Barney's hand shaking as it brought the
cigar up for puffs. Eventually Barney spoke, almost too
low to understand, "Was terrified the day I realized
life's as cold as death without you besides me. Knew
it'd mess with my thinking sooner or later." He ground
out the last of the stub and stepped in front of Lee,
just out of touching range, face in shadows from the
streetlights behind him. "You came back. Even after I
chased you off again, you came back."
Lee shrugged, fatalistic, "Can't really help it."
Though he couldn't see them, he knew Barney's eyes were
locked on his in the silence. Part of him wanted to turn
away, or just close his eyelids. Protect what was left
of his heart when it was still too wounded to take hits.
But if he could protect himself from Barney, he wouldn't
have come back. Would have accepted his boss' dismissal
and moved on; no matter what pain and self-hatred he'd
seen in the man's eyes.
"One thing I guess I *did* try to keep secret from you,
is you're more than just a close pal to me, Lee."
There was just enough of a shiver in the words that Lee
was frowning and shaking his head before he really
processed any meaning in them. "Barney-" Barney's smokey
palm came to rest gently over his lips as the man's head
shook a slow 'no'.
"It's not a request, Lee. Just a statement. Somewhere
along the way, the.. rock-stubborn friendship we
ha..have, shifted in my head. And you're more than a
friend. More like a missing piece of myself. I'm not
going to change how- It doesn't change anything between
us. You just.. wanted truth. That's a truth."
Lee's eyes were wide by then. Lips parted behind
Barney's palm as he tried to stare into eyes still in
shadow. When Barney's hand moved back, his flew up to
grasp it. Hold it tight between them, eyes still
staring.
"You.. You mean that?"
"Yeah."
And Lee's eyes dropped from the intensity as he huffed a
choked laugh, gripped the hand tighter in case Barney
took it the wrong way.
When he looked back up, head slowly shaking from side to
side, he spoke quietly, smiling disbelievingly, a new
hope burning closed the wounds inside. "Then we're both
fools." He raised the hand up and took a calming breath
before pressing a kiss to the skin of that
life-roughened palm. Raised his eyes to where he knew
Barney's were and lowered their hands over his heart,
smiling a little to hear a quiet grunt from the man
standing inches from him, to see glitters appear where
Barney's eyes had to be; widened, maybe, enough to catch
light. "Wasn't until I lost it that I let myself see it
wasn't just friendship anymore. Want all of you. Don't
want to sit waiting for a job so I can be besides you
again. Can be your pal again."
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