Do you?
Author: wanderingsmith
apr 16, 2016
Summary: I don't think Lee never actually
says he loves her, does he? It's just 'hey
sweetheart' 'hey baby' 'I'm back' 'shoulda waited'
'going to marry her' etc etc. not I love you. or I
love her.
Rating: PG13
Disclaimer: I ain't got no money, and nobody'd
be daft enough to pay me for this. As it is thought,
so let it be said; you make the toys, I play with
'em..
The energy high of victory had faded a good hour ago.
Barney could hear Toll's snoring rattling away behind
them, the faint rustling from Yang's restless sleep, and
the silence that meant Ceasar was tired enough to do his
sit-with-his-eyes-closed-supposedly-meditating gig. And
Christmas was staring just as silently into the peaceful
darkness of the Gulf they were flying over.
Except that whenever Barney glanced over, he could see
the edge of his lips curling further down. It didn't
take a genius to figure out where his thoughts had gone.
Damn he wished it was as simple as 'finding a woman'.
Though even that.. had Lee ever actually-
Keeping his mouth shut would probably be the better
idea, but as far as he knew, they were Christmas' only
family; and the man did, actually, usually appreciate
talking things out, unlike other people. So Barney kept
his voice low to keep the guys out of it, but pitched it
to the man slouching so near, yet mentally so far from
him. "Lee?" When Lee turned his head, Barney met his
eyes, hoping his expression made it clear he was asking
a simple, serious, question. "You love her?"
He kept the look steady as Christmas sat there blinking
at him, mouth open and looking faintly stunned. Didn't
want this being taken as a joke, didn't want it making
the man defencive.
Lee stared into the glitter of dark eyes, garble of
'What the fuck??' not resolving enough for his lips to
form around them. But before he could find the rant to
respond, his eyes adjusted to the dark and he belatedly
caught the 'No: really. How do you *actually* feel'
being aimed at him from among the bruises and scabs.
Of course I love her. She's pretty. She's fun. The sex
is good. Isn't that love?
..But even to himself that sounded.. off.
He knew he could marry her. He'd heard guys talk about
their wives: he knew this was the stuff that people got
married with.
But love.. he couldn't help but think
know that if he loved her, her cheating would have
wrecked him. Lee turned back to looking out the window
distractedly, lost in his thoughts, staring at the
darkness. Nothing there to focus on except his own
thoughts.
It hurt that she cheated. Hurt his feelings: felt like
betrayal. And he'd had too many, far worse ones of those
that he'd gotten allergic to *any*.
..Annoyed him that his plans fell through.
That she'd somehow not *understood* what he .. meant.
*Felt* for her. Intended. Was he *that* bad with people
that his girlfriend thought he'd just up and disappear
without a word?? Did other people think that of him?
..Did Barney??
Lee stiffened at that sudden thought, something twisting
in his chest as he suddenly focused on his reflection in
the glass: and Barney's faint one behind him. Giving him
worried glances. Like he had been for days, now. Fuck.
Was that why Barney fussed about Lacy? Did he think Lee
would just up and leave...
"Lee?"
The hesitant tone made Lee flinch: too damn wrong to
ever hear Barney sound like that! He turned back around
quickly, frowning in worry, "No! I'm not gonna leave,
Barney," he was half aware of Barney's confused look,
but too busy grappling with the unfamiliar thought in
his head, "Damn it, Barney! You should damn well know by
now I wouldn't just leave! Hell," he glared, sudden
memory adding fuel to the maelstrom, his arms waving
faintly in the confines of the cabin's equipment, "
*You're* the one who keeps trying to shove us away, for
fuck's-"
"Lee!" One of Barney's arms snapped out and wrapped
around his wrist when it was in reach, staring at him in
faintly annoyed bewilderment, voice sharp, "What the
hell are you on about, Christmas?? I just asked if you
loved the damn cheating girlfriend!" His voice lowered
back to the worried rumble that Lee started to remember
had started the conversation, "Where did all *this* come
from??"
His mouth was still open with what he'd been about to
say, but Lee couldn't quite remember what it was. Crap.
Love Lacy? And Barney wasn't worried about his
abandoning him.
-Wait. He didn't say he believed Lee! He just asked
where the subject had come from!
He laid his free hand over Barney's on his wrist, voice
low and controlled, this time, "Barney..." he frowned,
looking at the man seriously and wondering-, "I just..
you gotta know it doesn't matter what I.. I would never
just up and leave you. Or the guys. You know that.
Right?"
He watched, getting more worried from the lack of
immediate response, as Barney growled and turned his
head to punch the auto-pilot before turning fully toward
Lee to glare, that hand never leaving Lee's wrist,
"Christmas-" It was never a good sign when Barney
stopped to take a deep breath in the middle of a speech,
"I'm not-"
Lee stiffened at the sudden hesitation, seeing a flash
of.. *something* that made him think Barney really
hadn't thought about Lee leaving. And now he *was*!
Before he could jump in, Barney's eyes refocused on him,
more stubborn than ever, "I'm *not* talking about you
leaving-" he jerked Lee's wrist when Lee opened his
mouth, "Shut up, Christmas. My turn. I know damn well
you wouldn't 'disappear'. And if you *ever* have enough
of this life, you *better* goddamn know I wouldn't see
it as 'abandoning' me if you said it was time for you to
move on!"
This time he clamped his free hand on Lee's mouth when
Lee started to argue. And glared back into what Lee
hoped was a damn scary glare for that hand. Bastard was
lucky Lee didn't finish the job on his face!
"Now. I'll take my hand off after you nod that you are
going to fucking answer my original goddamn question."
Arrogant bloody- Lee just glared, busy picturing just
where he should punch to leave the most colourful
bruising behind.
The sudden smile creasing his canvas pulled his
attention back to Barney's softening eyes, "Come on,
Christmas, you're not gonna do to me *any* of what
you're imagining. Just give it up and nod." When the
bloody bastard actually nodded slowly in example, Lee
snorted, head jerking up, behind the grimy fingers on
his face. "Umph. I'll accept that as a nod. But it needs
work, Christmas."
"-Bastard." Lee grumbled as soon as the hand started to
lift, mentally stuttering to feel his lips move against
rough, grimy skin.
"Answer the question."
What quest- oh. Hell. "No." He dropped his eyes to the
ripped material at Barney's shoulder, avoiding the eyes
watching him, "I guess.. I'm probably not in love with
her," he tried to smirk, "Guess it's just as well we're
not getting married, after all."
That thought was still just kinda drifting around his
mind when Barney's free hand went by his peripheral
vision before settling at the back of his head. Lee
looked up in confusion when it tugged him forward. He
barely had time for a faint 'What the-' to start before
Barney's bloodied forehead touched his.
"I'm sorry, Christmas. You know I wish..."
Lee huffed a fond laugh, the darkness too much between
them to see the expression in Barney's eyes behind that
sad tone, muttering back just as quietly as he
hesitantly brought his own free hand up to Barney's
neck, "I know. You wish we'd all turn into happily
settled successful businessmen with a wife and 2 kids
each, and white picket fences to paint every year,"
Barney chuckled, forehead slipping against Lee's,
"Instead I'm here getting your blood all over my poor
bruised skull and the mud on your neck getting in the
cuts on my hand," he pulled back to knock Barney's
forehead gently when he opened his mouth to respond,
"Which is exactly where I belong, Barney."
AN:wanted
to take this on to the next step and RST. not sure
gonna happen
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